video of jam water & pics of recipe
Hello, everyone. I made strawberry jam and processed via water bath for the first time.
12 hours later, the lid buttons are pressed down, I can lift by the lid without opening, and the jam looks set. However, I noticed each one has a small amount of water on top of the jam.
I followed the recipe table on the Ball RealFruit Low or No Sugar Needed Pectin container. I used the low sugar column and multiplied by 4. My quantities were:

• 5 ⅓ cups mashed strawberries
• 1 ⅓ cup pineapple juice (no added sugar)
• 6 tbsp low/no-sugar pectin
• 2 cups granulated sugar

I also added ½ cup white vinegar to the canning water bath to prevent hard water stains.
After cleaning the rims, I tightened the lids "finger tight" by holding the jar between my left index finger and thumb and tightening the ring with my right hand until the jar slid out of my left hand, then just a tiny bit more.
I didn't have any issues during the canning process, the jars didn't rattle or bump each other while boiling, and I made sure not to tilt them when I pulled them out.
Is it just condensation, or did water leak inside because my lids were too loose? Did I make a mistake with my recipe quantities? If it is canning water, is the jam still safe to eat, need to be reprocessed, or trash?
I would greatly appreciate any input y'all have, and thanks for your time.

If you're a person, there's a 99.99% chance I'm not right for you. Consider skipping to the bullet points below before going through the wall of text.

Introduction

I have zero girlfriends and I would like to increase that number to one. I have absolutely zero reason to believe this will work, but I don't need to believe, I just need to make the post. Sometimes in life, if you want to see change, you try to bring change, whether there is hope or not.
The term "hopeless romantic" is a bit overused, but I do overly romanticize the idea of a relationship. The problem is, my expectations are unrealistic. To be clear, this is one of the most significant reasons I'm single. I'm literally one of those idiots with a list of checkboxes to tick and seemingly there isn't a person on Earth who ticks all of them. This is my little personal Fermi paradox - could I really be truly alone in a world of ~8 billion humans?
In a way, we're all alone in our minds. But I still feel like if I met the right person, we could understand each other on a deeper level. A level of understanding we just don't have with anyone else. It's this connection I seek. I'd rather have one relationship with a person I'd be happy to live and die with, than a hundred hedonistic flings.
I don't believe in soulmates just because I don't believe in supernatural stuff in general. And if I did, I'd feel wrong calling myself just half a soul. But the term exists because people who invented it had relationships that made them subjectively experience a connection that's special. One day, I hope to have that in my life as well. And considering how my odds are so low that I might as well call it magic if I succeed, my search for a high compatibility partner is similar to a search for a soulmate.
Sometimes I wonder. By the year 2100, I almost certainly will have either given up, died alone, or found someone and died not alone. It'd be nice to know the outcome, but maybe it's even better to see it happen.
This post is not trying to talk you into contacting me. It's just information about me so you can decide that for yourself. If you're not convinced, then I don't deserve to have you, simple as that.

Compatibility

• I'm looking for someone with traits and opinions similar to mine. After all, you don't have to make a compromise if you don't disagree in the first place! Of course some disagreement is welcome, fun even, but too much of it and there's not much of a reason to stay together. So be your own unique self, and see how many of my bullet points apply to you.
  
• I would also hope that you also know what kind of person you're looking for and you have reason to believe I might be suitable.
  
• Please do not play the favorites game (i.e. namedrop bands, movies, etc.) early on. Yes, I think Skyrim is great and Kimi No Na Wa is the best movie ever, but your taste in music doesn't tell me anything about how our daily interactions will go.
  
• I don't think MBTI or Enneagram are super accurate, but they're useful for giving a quick idea about my personality. "INTP 8w7" says more about me than "I like Italian food".
  
• This also means I care more about personality than looks. Obviously I have visual preferences, and so do you, but the personality barrier is hard enough to get over.
  
• I used to find the phrase "like someone for their flaws" dumb. But some things that society considers "flaws" could be exact thing someone special likes about you. I have lots of flaws like that.
  
• Similarly, you might have "flaws" I could find really attractive. In the end, dating is just a game where you try to find people with the same mental disorders.
  
• Age-wise all I care about is that we're in similar stages of our lives. Be old enough that your parents no longer have authority over you, but young enough to climb a tree.
  
• Location doesn't matter to me. I'm looking for online at first. I'm willing to relocate or travel together in the long term.
  

About me

• I'm an INTP. It's a nerdy, funny, not very emotional type. More chaotic than organized.
  
• I'm a 8w7, which is a bit unusual for an introvert. I'm more confident, a bit more adventurous (if words like that mean anything in dating bios). I can be assertive, but I don't like to boss others around. Basically, I still rehearse my lines before I order a pizza on the phone, but I actually end up making the call.
  
• I'm heavily introverted. A confident introvert might look like this. I don't like large crowds and prefer smaller groups. As in, groups of 1 to 2.
  
• Though I don't entirely follow any one philosophy, I like Stoicism and can be seen as stoic myself. I'm in control of my own emotions, and I'm still surprised how many adults are not.
  
• On a D&D alignment chart, I'd be a Chaotic Neutral. I highly value personal freedom, which is why I'm not committing myself to good nor evil.
  
• I'm an atheist. Yes, technically an agnostic, as most sensible atheists are, but I find that people who call themselves agnostic do so because they're uncomfortable with the more divisive label.
  
• I'm frugal, I like minimalism, and I'm interested in Financial Independence, Retire Early (FIRE).
  
• In my free time I like to immerse myself in the fictional worlds of anime and video games, because fantasy is often more interesting than reality. I also like being outside, hiking in nature.
  
• I'm 99% sure I want a childfree life. If I ever change my mind, it won't be anytime soon.
  
• I am exactly 1cm shorter than you.
  
• White skin, dark hair, about average weight.
  
• I'm a demisexual.
  
• Love languages are quality time first and physical touch second.
  

Dealbreakers

These are things I'm just not into. Nothing wrong with them, but they are not traits I'm looking for in a partner. Opposites do not attract in this case. Please don't message if they apply to you.

• Religious people.
• Extroverts, "social butterflies".
• Piercings, tattoos.
• Drug addictions, cigarettes, excessive drinking (drinking in moderation is fine).

Contacting me

Please send me a reddit DM (envelope icon), not a reddit chat (speech bubble icon) because I notice DMs way quicker.
It'd be best if you wrote a short introduction, but I'll respond even to a "hi". I also have a little conversational game prepared if you're into that.
Please include the 27th prime number in your message.
As long as this post is up, I'm looking to find you, even if it's years old.

I just wanted to share this family recipe that has been passed down for 14 generations
There is a (unconfirmed) rumor that my great-great grandfather died protecting the recipe, so please treat it with great respect.
Ingredients: 1 cup clay
Water as needed to retain moisture
2 cups Sand
Rectangular bread mold
Seasonings to taste
Directions:
Mix all ingredients thoroughly. Add water slowly until the mix has the consistency of dough. It should retain it's shape when formed but still be soft enough to use in molds. Use a table to knead the clay as you would when making bread until you get an even consistency. Cover in plastic to prevent drying.
Lubricate the mold with water and sand before filling with clay. Pack the clay into the mold and trim excess along the top edge with a stick. Let it set in the mold for about a half hour, then carefully flip it upside down to remove the wet product onto a board and store for drying. If the clay is too wet, let it set for about an hour.
Dry the product by placing it on dry sand in the sun. Turn them as each side dries white in color. Don't assume it is completely dry, even when it has turned white. Use a knife, sandpaper or a sponge with water to remove handling marks. Keep the product out of the rain. Dry them for about three weeks to ensure that they are completely dry and ready to use.
This recipe should yield 3-8 bricks, depending on size. Please use it responsibly.

Hi everyone! This sub was so incredibly helpful to me in the planning process - I was deeply grateful for everything I learned, so I thought I'd post a trip report now that we're back!
About us: We're a 30s couple from the Midwest US. We're pretty experienced travelers (South America, UK/Ireland, Europe, lots of places in the US), but this was our first visit to Asia and first visit to Japan. As travelers, we love getting out on foot, local food/drink (especially street food), live music, nerd shit, weird art/vending machines. Also, my partner is a cis guy, but I am a trans masc person who is visibly trans (post-op in a few ways, but not passing/not stealth).
Dates: May 13 - May 29
What we did: Tokyo Kyoto Osaka Hakone Back to Tokyo
Tips and tricks:

• Definitely get your walking training in ahead of time! We walked 10 miles a day on the trip. We're pretty avid backcountry camping/hiking fans who regularly put in 8 - 10 miles on the trail (not to mention taking our dog for multiple walks a day in the neighborhood), so I figured we'd be good - but it was A LOT, especially since you're also trying to translate and navigate at the same time. Japan is not generally a super accessible place from a disability perspective; benches and public seating areas are not common. I found myself wishing I'd packed a collapsible seat of some kind, tbh!
• Good shoes a must! Merrell Moabs are my go-to for hiking, but for this trip I went with Nike Dunk 6 high-tops, which rocked. My partner went with Onitsukas and didn't do as well - he wound up buying inserts partway through the trip, which helped.
• Work on a little Japanese ahead of time! We came in with about a dozen words/phrases, which was honestly truly helpful. So many people are so kind and thoughtful anyway, but it was an appreciated gesture that we had planned ahead and were trying our best. Google Translate's camera feature (Google Lens) was a life-saver for translating written words on signs!
• We had a great experience with Ubigi for an eSIM. The days of purchasing an actual SIM card or even a burner device (like we used to do when backpacking in Europe) are long past. We hooked up our Ubigi eSIMs beforehand, flipped the switch when we got there, and we were golden. Just in case, we'd set up our Verizon coverage to include a Pay-As-You-Go international plan, but we didn't end up using it. We also didn't use half as much data as we thought we would - we both came home with extra GB on our Ubigi plan still. We didn't do a PocketWifi and I don't think we needed it - Ubigi did most of the heavy lifting, and free WiFi at various places did the rest.
• Fly into Haneda, not Narita - way closer to Tokyo city center.
• Get your Suica right away at the airport - our beloved Suica got us through so many things! We also withdrew some cash and split it up between us - we withdrew a few more times on the trip and it worked like a charm. (Just make sure it's an international ATM that includes your card type - not all of them do. Also, notify your bank you'll be traveling, so your card doesn't throw a flag!) We used our credit card as well - the Chase card was accepted pretty much all places CCs are, but many places remain cash-only, especially bars and restaurants.
• Had a great experience using the Friendly Limousine Airport Bus service straight from Haneda to our hotel area.
• I booked shinkansen tix ahead of time, so I got nice discounts on weekday Green Car tix for two - but I really needn't have worried, there were plenty of seats available day-of.
• Don't bother with shinkansen for Kyoto to Osaka - we wound up just hopping on a local with our Suicas and it was fine.
• Don't bother with the Romancecar from Hakone back to Tokyo - it's fastemaybe a nicer seating experience, but just hopping on a local with your Suica is an order of magnitude cheaper.
• Look things up in Japanese if using Google Translate; use Tabelog for restaurants if possible. Google Maps in English is more touristy reviews/reactions.
• Tokyo Skytree was hit-or-miss - only real letdown of the trip.
• Tokyo teamLab PLANETS was completely worth it - absolutely worth the hype in my opinion.
• Queer and trans travelers - I felt completely safe, but as a plus-size trans masc nonbinary queerdo, I stuck out like a sore thumb. I didn't feel in danger, but I was absolutely aware that I did not fit in. Stares were common, especially from older men and young kids. (Weirdly, local women seemed more friendly and curious about me!) Just be prepared for it and remember you're not in any danger physically - it's all just curiosity.
• I have to thank this subreddit for recommending Hakone, especially for the tip to book a ryokan with private onsen access. We had an absolutely beautiful experience at Yamanochaya in Hakone, which included both a private "onsen" soaking tub in our room and private 1:1 access to a larger, actual hot spring onsen on the property. I otherwise would not have been able to experience a real hot spring onsen at all, as they are gender-segregated. Thank you, /JapanTravel!

Because I'm a nerd, here's the actual breakdown!
DAY 1 ARRIVAL 📍 Flew into Haneda; made it to our hotel (lovely experience at Hotel Plaza Sunroute); had our first world-famous konbini 7/11 experience; walked around Shinjuku; went out for dinner at Ryu no Miyako Inshokugai - talk about jumping in the deep end 🍣 Onigiri and vending machine green tea; little whipped cream treats; Nagahama ramen and sesame mackerel donburi 👣 10,400 steps 🏁 4.8 miles
DAY 2 SHIBUYA 📍 Meiji Shrine and Gardens - got goshuin and omamori; Harajuku, went to 7/11; back to the hotel for a nap; Shibuya, including Don Quijote, Center Gai and Dogenzaka Street; Nonbei Yokocho for late night 🍣 7/11 (plum onigiri and corn/mayo sandwich, some kind of spam musubi situation, matcha roll); Ichiran coin-op ramen with extra chashu and a matcha tofu custard thing; banana shock smoothie at Shibuya109 in Center Gai; chicken and pork belly yakitori with beers at Morimoto; brown sugar shoju and shoju-infused Oolong tea cocktails at Tight Bar (strong recommend for this joint!); grilled squid, octopus, and okonomiyaki for afters at Tsukishima Monja Kuuya Shibuya 👣 32,000 steps 🏁 14.5 miles 😮‍💨
DAY 3 SHINJUKU 📍 Shinjuku Gyoen National Garden; Shinjuku area (including Disk Union, Disney, Onitsuka); Kabukicho and Kabukicho Tower; GODZ metal bar; Golden Gai; Omoide Yokocho 🍣 7/11 (onigiri, matcha filled roll thing, royal milk tea, tomago sushi, strawberry donut, cafe latte); many types of dango (sesame oil, soy sauce, and apricot mochi were our favs); McDonald's (weirdly good chicken sandwich with yuzu radish topping, vanilla custard chocolate pie, white grape soda); yummy little warm imagawayaki filled with adzuki bean paste + royal milk from depachika); a couple of Asahis at GODZ; simple yakitori snacks at Golden Gai (including some… mystery offal items); back to 7/11 for drunk matcha ice cream and waffle snacks 👣 28,800 steps 🏁 13.0 miles
DAY 4 ASAKUSA 📍 Went out for coffee; walked around Kinarimon Gate and Nakamise; toured Asakusa Shrine, Senso-ji Temple, surrounding Shinto and Buddhist shrines; stopped for sushi and mochi; went for a walk up Sumida River; dipped into Shoden and Imado shrines; crossed Kototoi Bridge to Tokyo Skytree; went up Tokyo Skytree; back to Senso-ji for night photos; capped off evening with gyoza 🍣 Lattes at cute puppet theater coffeeshop (espresso, dandelion tea); 7/11 for breakfast-y fuel; strawberries from a street stall at Nakamise; sushi lunch; beautiful mochi + tea dessert; grilled gyoza, soup dumpling gyoza, shoujo Oolong tea cocktail for afters 👣 25,500 steps 🏁 11.66 miles
DAY 5 JIMBŌCHŌ, AKIHABARA 📍 Train to Ichigaya - notable French-inspired neighborhood; breakfast at local French café; Yasakuni Shrine; Kanda River walk by Hosei University; Tokyo Daijingu Shrine; Jimbōchō Old Book Town; walked from there to Akihibara; hit up noodles, arcade, nerd shops (comics, TCGs/CCGs, retro video games systems, TTRPGS, etc); gachapons; hit up the bizarre rare vending machines 🍣 Vending machine coffee and milk tea; yummy French pastries (bacon and sour cream roll, quiche, sour cream raisin custard thing); had to try some avocado and cheese Doritos; cold udon with duck broth soup, curry rice for Chris; fish-shaped taiyaki with custard cream dessert treat; dope gyoza place ("weekday" version with pork and cabbage, shrimp and chili mayo, yakitori with tare, and shogayaki with onions) 👣 Forgot watch at hotel - we’ll say 10,000 steps 🏁 Guessing about 5 or 6?
DAY 6 TEAMLAB PLANETS, TRAVEL TO KYOTO 📍 Hit up teamLabs, had an amazing time exploring the exhibits - the infinite light crystal room was our fav; train to Tokyo Station; lunch at underground Ramen Street restaurants under the station - went with Soranoiro, one of the few veg/vegan ramen shops in Japan - delicious; shinkansen to Kyoto; out for nightlife in Kiyamachi-Dori and Pontocho 🍣 Quick 7/11 snacks; train snacks (pocky, coffee, little teriyaki cutlet sandwich); Soranoiro ramen bowls; killer yakitori we fried right at our table in izakaya in Pontocho (honestly probably a meal highlight of the whole trip); brown sugar shoujo; 7/11 for ice cream on the way back 👣 18,900 steps 🏁 8.63 miles
DAY 7 KINKAKUJI, NISHIKI, GION 📍 Kinkakuji Temple; bus back to Kiyamachi-dori; spent whole afternoon walking and eating street food at Nishiki Market; back to hotel for rest, laundry, rooftop drink; out for nightlife in Gion 🍣 Family Mart for coffee and doughnuts; Nishiki Market Street street food delights - seared yakitori style crab stick, little octopus chuka idako on skewers, kara-age on skewers, sea squid croquettes and beer, strawberry and adzuki bean mochi balls; mimosas and red wine; Kyoto Gion Okaru - geisha-decorated izakaya with insane curry udon bowls and beers; picked up box of mochi dango for dessert 👣 20,200 steps 🏁 9.07 miles
DAY 8 SHRINE DAY 📍 OK, this is a lot:

• Yasakajinja (we happened to be here while a young couple was having a Shinto wedding ceremony!)
• Yasui Kompira-gū (built 1170, shrine for ending bad relationships and starting new ones, has special stone that you pin your wishes to - many young girls will crawl through the stone to mark a breakup or wish for love)
• Kennin-ji (built 1202, large grounds - among the oldest in Kyoto);
• Reigen-in (part of Kennin-ji grounds, a Zen teahouse with a tea garden where they served adzuki bean buns with tea made from the actual hydrangeas of the tea garden outside!)
• Zenkyoan (boar shrine which we initially thought were cute hedgehogs)
• Kyoto Ebisu Shrine (dedicated to fishermen - we happened to be here during the shrine's annual mikoshi festival - a battalion of locals in traditional clothes, hoisting and dancing with the mikoshi around the neighborhood)
• Kodai-ji (built 1606, gorgeous grounds - we skipped the tour)
• Hōkan-ji/Yasaka Pagoda (dating back to 589 and rebuilt in 1400s, huge black 5-story pagoda featuring massive shakyamuni pole inside and reliquary of a bone of the Buddha in the foundations)
• Ryōzen Kannon (built 1955 after WW2, massive Buddha statue and active Buddhist temple)
• Of course the world-famous Kiyomizudera (built 778, enormous Kyoto-red temple with beautiful buildings spiraling up into the forest)

🍣 Hotel coffee, tea, cream puffs; adzuki bean buns with tea made from the actual hydrangeas of the tea garden at the shrine; dope bento box lunch; got takeout fast food donburi and fizzy lemonade 👣 22,800 steps 🏁 10.39 miles
DAY 9 FUSHIMI-INARI 📍 Fushimi Inari, the famous shrine of over 1,000 torii gates - super amazing (and intense!) summit of Mt Inari! Back to Nishiki Market for reward street food and drinks; back to hotel for a rooftop drink and soak; finally out for soba at Kawamichiya Ginka in Pontocho. 🍣 Snack pack on our hike (sausages, cheese, some kind of fish meat/cheese stick, and surume - sweet chewy dried squid stuff); orange smoothie; conveyor belt sushi; strawberry mochi roll; whisky highball and red wine; massive soba spreads (chicken seared with wasabi/yuzu/horseradish dipped in ponzu sauce, fried soba noodles in a rich soup, cold soba noodles dipped tsukemen-style in a really amazing umami soy sauce soup, tempura shrimp and veggies, a hot soba noodles in a clear broth soup) 👣 27,600 steps 🏁 Supposedly 12.3 miles, but that hike to summit Mt Inari was something else 😤
DAY 10 TRAVEL TO OSAKA, SHINSABASHISUJI, AMEMURA, DOTONBURI 📍 Beautiful brunch on the bank of the canal in Kyoto; local train to Osaka-Umeda; checked into Osaka hotel; walked around Shinsaibashisuji and Dotonburi a little bit; scoped out Amemura ("Ameri-mura") for dope American-inspired Japanese streetwear; wandered up and down street food stalls in Dotonbori; swung by Namba Hips (mostly pachinko); found a couple of fun little hole-in-the-wall places (little Japanese craft beer brewery, retro video games bar) 🍣 Brunch at Kawa Cafe (croque monsieur, ramen, tea and delicious apple tart); takoyaki, cheesy waffle shaped like a massive 10yen coin, sweet chili hotdogs from stands in Dotonbori; dashi gose craft beer (by Derailleur Brew Works) from Umineko, shots at Space Station bar 👣 19,500 steps 🏁 9.01 miles
DAY 11 NAMBAYASAKIJINA, DOTONBURI 📍 Morning Japanese breakfast at a wonderful little 24-hour diner; Hozen-ji (moss shrine); Kamigata Ukiyo-e Museum across the street (focusing on Osaka woodcuts celebrating Dotonburi's kabuki and entertainment history); Nambayasaka-jinja (lion head shrine); Den Den Town (Osaka's Akihabara); ended up at a cozy little kushikatsu bar which actually was playing the Tigers game (away game vs the Swallows at Tokyo); street food waffles for dessert; hit up a late-night batting cage - ended up at Round1 (a big multi-floor arcade complex) and did the rooftop batting cage! My partner won a giant plushie for me from a claw machine! 🍣 Dope traditional japanese omelette and fish breakfast; cute macarons from market stand; Family Mart for snacks before nightlife; skewers, beer, and highballs from Dotonbori kushikatsu place; ridiculous nutella, whip, and strawberry stuffed waffle from Waffle Khan 👣 29,100 steps 🏁 13.31 miles
DAY 12 KUROMON ICHIBA, OSAKA CASTLE, DOTONBURI 📍 Kuromon Ichiba Market for street food; Osaka Castle Park and Nishinomaru Gardens; toured Osaka Castle and museum all the way up to the top; subway to Tanimachi-9-chome subway station for amazing live jazz at Sub Jazz Cafe. (This was amazing! Akira "Ro" Hasegawa (sax) and Yukie Fujikawa (keys) - Ro is also the owner and was bartending on this particular night too.) Out to Don Don for killer yakiniku and beer; found our way to Oboradaren, an Tokunoshima-themed island vibes bar and music spot where there was a great live band playing fun island vibes beach rock - big crowd of 40s+ Japanese women who knew all the songs, wound up drinking passionfruit chuhai and joining them in the conga line around the bar 🍣 Oden hot pot, wagyu skewer, otoro sashimi, crab gratin in the half-shell, bracken green tea soy cakes at Kuromon Market; ice cream sandwiches at Osaka Castle; milk tea, little roast beef sandwich, and cheesecake at Sub Jazz Cafe; yakiniku-style wagyu, ribs, ox tongue, assorted mushrooms; passionfruit chuhai and red wine at the island vibes spot; taro and brown sugar boba teas 👣 23,000 steps 🏁 10.42 miles
DAY 13 KAIYUKAN, SHINSEKAI, DOTONBURI 📍 Fun trip to Osaka Aquarium Kaiyukan; quick pass through Shinsekai; lunch at spot where you can fish your own catch from an indoor fishing boat pool; out for one last Dotonburi night - wound up getting konbini snacks and sitting on the waterfront talking and people-watching for hours 🍣 Not a banger food-wise, but interesting little spread at the fish-your-own place - huge prawn for grilling, kara-age, and fatty tuna nigiri for Max, tempura veggies and whitefish with doteyaki for Chris; from Family Mart, fruit smoothie, ice cup, and KitKat for Max, onigiri and lemonade for Chris 👣 19,100 steps 🏁 8.64 miles
DAY 14 TRAVEL TO HAKONE, HAKONE SHRINE 📍 Bombed to Shin-Osaka for an early shinkansen to Odawara; trained to Odawara to Hakone; dropped luggage off at ryokan, then bus to Motohakone; saw Hakone Shrine and Onshi-Hakone Park (as well as a segment of the actual Old Tokaido!); returned to ryokan for the night, where we were treated to a gorgeous 1:1 kaiseki from a Michelin-star chef, private hot spring onsen, and private in-room hot spring bath 🍣 Konbini snacks before shinkansen; snacks and coffee on train; late lunch in Motohakone (curry and soba, pork cutlet); incredible, massive multi-course kaiseki and sake for dinner, plus strawberry cake, champagne, and more sake for dessert 👣 13,900 steps 🏁 6.26 miles
DAY 15 HAKONE OPEN AIR MUSEUM, TRAVEL TO TOKYO, LAST NIGHT IN SHINJUKU 📍 Woke up in gorgeous ryokan; leisurely kaiseki breakfast with leftover cake; final soak in the private onsen; Hakone Open Air Museum - very cool; had kind of a challenging trip back but finally made it from Museum back to ryokan to bus stop to Hakone-Yumoto to Odawara to Shinjuku to the hotel 😮‍💨 Considering the last night as our real "last night" of the trip, our final night out in Tokyo was all just extra icing on the cake - went out for yakitori skewers and Asahi Superdrys in cozy alley in Omoide Yokocho, found really wonderful cake and tea dessert open late also in Omoide, hit up 🎵 Donki! 🎵 for a final round of bulk snacks and souvenirs, ended up on a late-night excursion to find Park Hyatt Hotel (featured in Lost in Translation); finished night at hotel watching the city go to sleep from our balcony 👣 22,700 steps 🏁 10.3 miles
FINAL SCORE 📸 Pics: 1,929 👣 Steps: 337,700 🏁 Miles: 153.78 (we averaged 9.6 miles per day, every day, for 16 days) 🇯🇵 “Nihongo jōzu!”: 4 (I know more proficient Japanese speakers are insulted, but it's honestly a pretty nice comment when you're at my level) 👶 Comments on how young we look/how we can’t possibly be celebrating our 10-year wedding anniversary: 3 ✨ Gratitude: Infinite.

Metuchen Farmers Market 9am-2pm
June 10 through November 19
Pearl St & New Street, Metuchen, NJ, USA
Join us in Metuchen Town Plaza each Saturday from June 10th through November 19th for fresh produce, meat, eggs, and cheeses from local farmers as well as artisanal breads, prepared foods, pickles, olives, fruits, and nuts.
Our Weekly Vendors
Farmers
Chickadee Creek Farm - Organic vegetables, herbs, and flowers grown in Pennington, NJ. Accepts Sr FMNP & WIC.
Countrystand Farms - Fresh produce including seasonal corn, melons, and apples/cider, plus home-baked treats.
Farmer Al's - Farm-fresh vegetables, fruit & potted flowers. Accepts Sr FMNP & WIC.
Von Thun's - Fresh produce. Accepts Sr FMNP & WIC.
Stonybrook Meadows - Naturally raised pork, lamb, and sheep from heritage breeds; pastured eggs; local jams and honey.
Zell's Farm - Cultivated fresh and dried mushrooms, house-made dumplings, steam buns, and broth.
Other Vendors
Hoboken Farms - Breads and pastries, fresh mozzarella, tomato sauce, frozen pastas, fish, and meats.
Pickles Olives Etc - Wide variety of olives and pickled vegetables.
Woodstack Pizza & Kitchen - Artisanal Bread and pastries
Fritz's - Fresh-made creative sandwiches, desserts, and baked goods with vegetarian and vegan options.
Chapter 2 Coffee - Chapter 2 Coffee is a new coffee roasting company in Central Jersey, hoping to spread the knowledge and love of coffee and bringing the community together.
Our Alternate-Week Vendors
Kikito's Jibaritos - Specialty Puerto-Rican savory sandwiches
Chumami Chili Oil - Premium all-purpose, all-natural chili oil made with simple, wholesome ingredients.
Ava Quinn's - Creative, small-batch, all-natural skin- and hair-care products & gifts. Vegan-friendly.
Simply Baked Goods - Locally-made gourmet cookies, macaroons, and other baked goods.
Sourland Mountain Spirits - Award-winning spirits such as Flagship Gin, Vodka, Bourbon, Rum; seasonal exclusives like Blueberry Honey Vodka.
Cora's Cravings - Comfort food to go: Mexican street corn; mac-n-cheese, wings, and yams in "Craver Soul Cups"
We Are Wonderfully Made - Authentic Trinidadian Pepper Sauces from multi-generation family recipe.
Kaya Selfcare - Body scrubs, lotions, bath bombs, shampoo bars, conditioner bars, soaps, & lip balm from natural ingredients.
Grubs4Pups - Natural treats for dogs. Handcrafted, healthy, and organic.
Montclair Brewery - Creative craft beers from a local microbrewery run by a wife-and-husband team.
Visit http://www.metuchenfarmersmarket.org/ for more information.
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There’s a whole lot for me to share… so it all started when I was too young to remember anything, we lived in a trailer, my mom and her friend Sarah played with a ouija board in our trailer, I’m not sure if they connected with anything but after that my mom told me I had an “imaginary” friend named Roary. I’m assuming everything at that point was completely harmless. Once we moved out of the trailer (I was 8-9 at the time? Whatever she 4th graders are) we moved into a house, my grandparents would always buy me porcelain dolls growing up, I didn’t like them but I kept them so I wouldn’t upset them. Especially since my grandpa and I were close. So we’re living in this new house, I had floating shelves on my wall and a huge dresser, so I lined up all of my porcelain dolls and trophies on my dresser and shelves. It’s the first night in the house and I wake up around 3 AM. All the dolls heads were spinning, obviously I was absolutely freaked out! I ran to my moms room and she brushed it off. I started going to a new school and I made a friend. She was my age but still attended daycare after school. She hated it so we convinced her mom and my mom to allow her to come over after school until her mom got off work. We would play guitar hero and make snacks until our moms got off work. So a few weeks into her coming over we took a break from playing guitar hero and made pizza rolls. You can see the kitchen from the living room so we went back to the living room to watch TV while waiting for our food. Out of literally nowhere the cabinets in the kitchen start slamming and opening over and over. My grandma lived less than 2 blocks away. So I called her hysterically in tears. She drove over to my house to check things out and everything stops. That’s all I can remember happening in that house, I lived there until I was a Junior in high school. Nothing paranormal happens to me until I turn 22.
So I’m 22 at this point, my boyfriend and I rent a house still in the same town as my old house. Come January he leaves for Basic training and I have a 2-3 year old daughter at this point. So my boyfriends in basic, my daughter is at her fathers. It’s just me and the dog in the house. I’m watching tv cuddled up with my dog, and my daughters brush is on the table next to me, IT FLIES OFF THE TABLE! I ignore it. A few days later I’m in the shower, still home alone. And my cell is on the bathroom counter. My phone drops to the floor, no missed calls or texts so I knew it didn’t vibrate off the counter. So my daughter ends up coming home from her fathers house, I have a cam in her room so I can check on her throughout the night and get notified if she’s crying. Around 3 AM I get a notification for her room, she’s playing, jumping on her bed… a toddler being a toddler. The next morning I asked her why she was playing and jumping in the middle of the night, she tells me that my grandpa (her great grandpa who passed before she turned 2) came to visit her and the lady in white came to visit her. They were all playing in her room. My landlord disclosed that the house belonged to her mother that had passed away. But I don’t know if she passed in the house or where? But she didn’t seem scary to my daughter, I’m wondering if she was annoyed that we were living in her house and wanted to scare me away. Ever since we haven’t had anything paranormal happen to us. My boyfriend doesn’t believe in the paranormal and never experienced what I experienced. We’ve since moved out of that house and have been gone for 3 years now. And again, nothing has happened since.
Edit to add: this may not be related, but I have had times where I’m almost asleep and I can hear a child say my name or call “mommy” or a man that sounds like my boyfriend calling my name. But my kid is either asleep or with her dad and my boyfriend is either asleep or at work… it’s more common to happen when I’m alone.

1989 my two beautiful boys, age 7 and 9 were playing in the yard when an intoxicated man decided to drive his car, fell asleep and take their lives. My world changed at that moment. Family drama with shame and blame didn't help but I made it through the necessary acts to bury my boys. I froze up. I simply froze up. I took a leave of absence from my job as an RN in a hospital, my supervisor was so understanding and supportive. At home I had paint and covered with windows to let no light in and I sat in darkness for a year never leaving the house. My friends were wonderful, they fed me. They went shopping and brought me food, I ordered pizza. I sat in the dark not knowing if it was night or day. My friends never pushed me to do more than I could, they just fed me, visited, brought groceries and items I needed and let me work myself out of being frozen.
A year later, I was watching a talk show one morning. I didn't have cable so I had to only watch local stations. I was laying on the living room sofa and noticed some sparkling lights up in the corner of the room. I thought it was an electrical fire and sat up quickly to get a better view. It looked like sparklers burning, lots of them, beautiful white lights growing larger and in number until they were about a yard wide and 2 feet tall, a bundle of thousands of white, silver like sparkles flashing brightly. From this light source I clearly heard the voices of two men, maybe both upper 20's in age, very articulate, well educated and professional. They both took turns talking to me, very abruptly, sternly, with force, meaning and impatience with me. It was like I was being severely reprimanded. In part they said, "You have been holding us back from very important business we MUST attend to. We can not do the work we need to do that is so very important as you are constantly holding us back. We can not allow this to continue, you have to let go of us so we can move into our jobs and do the work we are suppose to be doing. Your constant attachment and holding on has stifled our ability to work and what we need to do is so very important. You just have to let go and let us move on. You are in the way of the great work we are assigned to do." I was being sternly spoken to by my two boys that now sounded like young executives. The only 'nice' thing they said to me was one of them said, "We appreciate what you did for us but now you just have to let us go."
I was berated on and on, like I was in court or in trouble at work in an HR meeting. It was not pleasant but it got my attention pronto. I replied, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea, yes, of course I'll let you do what you need to do. I miss you both so much but I had no idea I was holding you back from what you needed to be doing." It was like being pulled over by the cops, and told I did something wrong and I was trying to make it right. I admitted I was holding on to them but had no idea it was causing them grief from where they are now. Their voices stopped, the sparkling light diminished in size and brightness into just being a plain corner of the wall. I put my hand on that spot, it felt like a normal wall.
I got in the shower, got cleaned up, had to call someone to jump my car as it's not been started in over a year and drove to my old work place to put in an application again. My supervisor had moved on. I did a quick interview and got hired again. I started orientation the next day.
The encounter with my two boys was a jolt to my system. I went from frozen to thawed quickly. My deep mourning of my sons immediately changed to missing them, in a healthy way. There was no thinking about it, the stern talking to I got, the lecture, the demand that I let them move on let me move on, too. Giving them their freedom to do the work they have to do gave me the freedom to do the work I have to do still, too. I enjoyed letting the light back into my house as I slowly started using a razor blade to scrape the paint off the windows. It took months but it was so healing to turn from darkness to light again.
Hospice concepts were coming to America at that time, from the UK. I followed up with a local hospice and soon was the charge RN a 10 bed inpatient unit for terminally ill patients. I was a Hospice RN for 17 years, including 5 years as a pediatric Hospice Nurse. The loss of my children gave me the insight to support others that are transitioning into their next life, or career as I see it now. I had many, many amazing experience with many of my patients spreading their wings and practicing moving on before and after their deaths. My experience with my boys gave me the strength to support my dying patients and the family and friends they were leaving behind.
I've not seen my boys since. I don't want to disturb them from the work they need to do. That lecture I got that day was enough!! Of course I think of them so often but never clinging, but now knowing they matured, grew up, and have important work they do that is valuable to them wherever they are. That makes me smile. I hope my story can brighten someone else. We go on, there is no end.
I did an interview about being a Hospice RN and some of the spirit encounters I've had, including this story about my boys. I know I'm not allowed to provide the link, it's on YouTube.

1989 my two beautiful boys, age 7 and 9 were playing in the yard when an intoxicated man decided to drive his car, fell asleep and take their lives. My world changed at that moment. Family drama with shame and blame didn't help but I made it through the necessary acts to bury my boys. I froze up. I simply froze up. I took a leave of absence from my job as an RN in a hospital, my supervisor was so understanding and supportive. At home I had paint and covered with windows to let no light in and I sat in darkness for a year never leaving the house. My friends were wonderful, they fed me. They went shopping and brought me food, I ordered pizza. I sat in the dark not knowing if it was night or day. My friends never pushed me to do more than I could, they just fed me, visited, brought groceries and items I needed and let me work myself out of being frozen.
A year later, I was watching a talk show one morning. I didn't have cable so I had to only watch local stations. I was laying on the living room sofa and noticed some sparkling lights up in the corner of the room. I thought it was an electrical fire and sat up quickly to get a better view. It looked like sparklers burning, lots of them, beautiful white lights growing larger and in number until they were about a yard wide and 2 feet tall, a bundle of thousands of white, silver like sparkles flashing brightly. From this light source I clearly heard the voices of two men, maybe both upper 20's in age, very articulate, well educated and professional. They both took turns talking to me, very abruptly, sternly, with force, meaning and impatience with me. It was like I was being severely reprimanded. In part they said, "You have been holding us back from very important business we MUST attend to. We can not do the work we need to do that is so very important as you are constantly holding us back. We can not allow this to continue, you have to let go of us so we can move into our jobs and do the work we are suppose to be doing. Your constant attachment and holding on has stifled our ability to work and what we need to do is so very important. You just have to let go and let us move on. You are in the way of the great work we are assigned to do." I was being sternly spoken to by my two boys that now sounded like young executives. The only 'nice' thing they said to me was one of them said, "We appreciate what you did for us but now you just have to let us go."
I was berated on and on, like I was in court or in trouble at work in an HR meeting. It was not pleasant but it got my attention pronto. I replied, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea, yes, of course I'll let you do what you need to do. I miss you both so much but I had no idea I was holding you back from what you needed to be doing." It was like being pulled over by the cops, and told I did something wrong and I was trying to make it right. I admitted I was holding on to them but had no idea it was causing them grief from where they are now. Their voices stopped, the sparkling light diminished in size and brightness into just being a plain corner of the wall. I put my hand on that spot, it felt like a normal wall.
I got in the shower, got cleaned up, had to call someone to jump my car as it's not been started in over a year and drove to my old work place to put in an application again. My supervisor had moved on. I did a quick interview and got hired again. I started orientation the next day.
The encounter with my two boys was a jolt to my system. I went from frozen to thawed quickly. My deep mourning of my sons immediately changed to missing them, in a healthy way. There was no thinking about it, the stern talking to I got, the lecture, the demand that I let them move on let me move on, too. Giving them their freedom to do the work they have to do gave me the freedom to do the work I have to do still, too. I enjoyed letting the light back into my house as I slowly started using a razor blade to scrape the paint off the windows. It took months but it was so healing to turn from darkness to light again.
Hospice concepts were coming to America at that time, from the UK. I followed up with a local hospice and soon was the charge RN a 10 bed inpatient unit for terminally ill patients. I was a Hospice RN for 17 years, including 5 years as a pediatric Hospice Nurse. The loss of my children gave me the insight to support others that are transitioning into their next life, or career as I see it now. I had many, many amazing experience with many of my patients spreading their wings and practicing moving on before and after their deaths. My experience with my boys gave me the strength to support my dying patients and the family and friends they were leaving behind.
I've not seen my boys since. I don't want to disturb them from the work they need to do. That lecture I got that day was enough!! Of course I think of them so often but never clinging, but now knowing they matured, grew up, and have important work they do that is valuable to them wherever they are. That makes me smile. I hope my story can brighten someone else. We go on, there is no end.
I did aN interview about being a Hospice RN and some of the spirit encounters I've had, including this story about my boys. I know I'm not allowed to provide the link

1989 my two beautiful boys, age 7 and 9 were playing in the yard when an intoxicated man decided to drive his car, fell asleep and take their lives. My world changed at that moment. Family drama with shame and blame didn't help but I made it through the necessary acts to bury my boys. I froze up. I simply froze up. I took a leave of absence from my job as an RN in a hospital, my supervisor was so understanding and supportive. At home I had paint and covered with windows to let no light in and I sat in darkness for a year never leaving the house. My friends were wonderful, they fed me. They went shopping and brought me food, I ordered pizza. I sat in the dark not knowing if it was night or day. My friends never pushed me to do more than I could, they just fed me, visited, brought groceries and items I needed and let me work myself out of being frozen.
A year later, I was watching a talk show one morning. I didn't have cable so I had to only watch local stations. I was laying on the living room sofa and noticed some sparkling lights up in the corner of the room. I thought it was an electrical fire and sat up quickly to get a better view. It looked like sparklers burning, lots of them, beautiful white lights growing larger and in number until they were about a yard wide and 2 feet tall, a bundle of thousands of white, silver like sparkles flashing brightly. From this light source I clearly heard the voices of two men, maybe both upper 20's in age, very articulate, well educated and professional. They both took turns talking to me, very abruptly, sternly, with force, meaning and impatience with me. It was like I was being severely reprimanded. In part they said, "You have been holding us back from very important business we MUST attend to. We can not do the work we need to do that is so very important as you are constantly holding us back. We can not allow this to continue, you have to let go of us so we can move into our jobs and do the work we are suppose to be doing. Your constant attachment and holding on has stifled our ability to work and what we need to do is so very important. You just have to let go and let us move on. You are in the way of the great work we are assigned to do." I was being sternly spoken to by my two boys that now sounded like young executives. The only 'nice' thing they said to me was one of them said, "We appreciate what you did for us but now you just have to let us go."
I was berated on and on, like I was in court or in trouble at work in an HR meeting. It was not pleasant but it got my attention pronto. I replied, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea, yes, of course I'll let you do what you need to do. I miss you both so much but I had no idea I was holding you back from what you needed to be doing." It was like being pulled over by the cops, and told I did something wrong and I was trying to make it right. I admitted I was holding on to them but had no idea it was causing them grief from where they are now. Their voices stopped, the sparkling light diminished in size and brightness into just being a plain corner of the wall. I put my hand on that spot, it felt like a normal wall.
I got in the shower, got cleaned up, had to call someone to jump my car as it's not been started in over a year and drove to my old work place to put in an application again. My supervisor had moved on. I did a quick interview and got hired again. I started orientation the next day.
The encounter with my two boys was a jolt to my system. I went from frozen to thawed quickly. My deep mourning of my sons immediately changed to missing them, in a healthy way. There was no thinking about it, the stern talking to I got, the lecture, the demand that I let them move on let me move on, too. Giving them their freedom to do the work they have to do gave me the freedom to do the work I have to do still, too. I enjoyed letting the light back into my house as I slowly started using a razor blade to scrape the paint off the windows. It took months but it was so healing to turn from darkness to light again.
Hospice concepts were coming to America at that time, from the UK. I followed up with a local hospice and soon was the charge RN a 10 bed inpatient unit for terminally ill patients. I was a Hospice RN for 17 years, including 5 years as a pediatric Hospice Nurse. The loss of my children gave me the insight to support others that are transitioning into their next life, or career as I see it now. I had many, many amazing experience with many of my patients spreading their wings and practicing moving on before and after their deaths. My experience with my boys gave me the strength to support my dying patients and the family and friends they were leaving behind.
I've not seen my boys since. I don't want to disturb them from the work they need to do. That lecture I got that day was enough!! Of course I think of them so often but never clinging, but now knowing they matured, grew up, and have important work they do that is valuable to them wherever they are. That makes me smile. I hope my story can brighten someone else. We go on, there is no end.
I did an interview about being a Hospice RN and some of the spirit encounters I've had, including this story about my boys. I know I'm not allowed to provide the link

1989 my two beautiful boys, age 7 and 9 were playing in the yard when an intoxicated man decided to drive his car, fell asleep and take their lives. My world changed at that moment. Family drama with shame and blame didn't help but I made it through the necessary acts to bury my boys. I froze up. I simply froze up. I took a leave of absence from my job as an RN in a hospital, my supervisor was so understanding and supportive. At home I had paint and covered with windows to let no light in and I sat in darkness for a year never leaving the house. My friends were wonderful, they fed me. They went shopping and brought me food, I ordered pizza. I sat in the dark not knowing if it was night or day. My friends never pushed me to do more than I could, they just fed me, visited, brought groceries and items I needed and let me work myself out of being frozen.
A year later, I was watching a talk show one morning. I didn't have cable so I had to only watch local stations. I was laying on the living room sofa and noticed some sparkling lights up in the corner of the room. I thought it was an electrical fire and sat up quickly to get a better view. It looked like sparklers burning, lots of them, beautiful white lights growing larger and in number until they were about a yard wide and 2 feet tall, a bundle of thousands of white, silver like sparkles flashing brightly. From this light source I clearly heard the voices of two men, maybe both upper 20's in age, very articulate, well educated and professional. They both took turns talking to me, very abruptly, sternly, with force, meaning and impatience with me. It was like I was being severely reprimanded. In part they said, "You have been holding us back from very important business we MUST attend to. We can not do the work we need to do that is so very important as you are constantly holding us back. We can not allow this to continue, you have to let go of us so we can move into our jobs and do the work we are suppose to be doing. Your constant attachment and holding on has stifled our ability to work and what we need to do is so very important. You just have to let go and let us move on. You are in the way of the great work we are assigned to do." I was being sternly spoken to by my two boys that now sounded like young executives. The only 'nice' thing they said to me was one of them said, "We appreciate what you did for us but now you just have to let us go."
I was berated on and on, like I was in court or in trouble at work in an HR meeting. It was not pleasant but it got my attention pronto. I replied, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea, yes, of course I'll let you do what you need to do. I miss you both so much but I had no idea I was holding you back from what you needed to be doing." It was like being pulled over by the cops, and told I did something wrong and I was trying to make it right. I admitted I was holding on to them but had no idea it was causing them grief from where they are now. Their voices stopped, the sparkling light diminished in size and brightness into just being a plain corner of the wall. I put my hand on that spot, it felt like a normal wall.
I got in the shower, got cleaned up, had to call someone to jump my car as it's not been started in over a year and drove to my old work place to put in an application again. My supervisor had moved on. I did a quick interview and got hired again. I started orientation the next day.
The encounter with my two boys was a jolt to my system. I went from frozen to thawed quickly. My deep mourning of my sons immediately changed to missing them, in a healthy way. There was no thinking about it, the stern talking to I got, the lecture, the demand that I let them move on let me move on, too. Giving them their freedom to do the work they have to do gave me the freedom to do the work I have to do still, too. I enjoyed letting the light back into my house as I slowly started using a razor blade to scrape the paint off the windows. It took months but it was so healing to turn from darkness to light again.
Hospice concepts were coming to America at that time, from the UK. I followed up with a local hospice and soon was the charge RN a 10 bed inpatient unit for terminally ill patients. I was a Hospice RN for 17 years, including 5 years as a pediatric Hospice Nurse. The loss of my children gave me the insight to support others that are transitioning into their next life, or career as I see it now. I had many, many amazing experience with many of my patients spreading their wings and practicing moving on before and after their deaths. My experience with my boys gave me the strength to support my dying patients and the family and friends they were leaving behind.
I've not seen my boys since. I don't want to disturb them from the work they need to do. That lecture I got that day was enough!! Of course I think of them so often but never clinging, but now knowing they matured, grew up, and have important work they do that is valuable to them wherever they are. That makes me smile. I hope my story can brighten someone else. We go on, there is no end.
I did a podcast interview about being a Hospice RN and some of the spirit encounters I've had, including this story about my boys. I know I'm not allowed to provide the link but it's on YouTube.

So this is a list of the podcast episodes Shaffir listened as ones he particularly liked as he is now ending the show.
There's also direct links to 0-200 as a comment below Enjoi.
First 100:

37: The Nuthouse (Brody Stevens):

"Steven Brody Stevens stopped by Skeptic Tank Studios (my apartment) to share the details of his 17 day stay in the psyche ward at UCLA. It took us, like, 30 minutes to get into the topic, but eventually we did. We diverged a lot into a really cool discussion about perspective on life and how you can fall into a negative and self sabotaging way of thinking about things."

40: Prostitutti Frutti (Miss X):

An upscale prostitute came to the Skeptic Tank to share with us about her job. It was one of the most interesting conversations I've had in a very long time. She was open and honest and very friendly. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did.

50: Buddhism (Duncan Trussell):

Duncan Trussell and I shared a ride out to Brea, CA to do shows at the Brea Improv. Duncan has always been into Buddhism and I figured what better time to talk about modern Buddhism than on a ride to the Inland Empire. It was a really interesting talk and it completely enlightened me to the humongous differences between that and the Judeo-Christian religions in regards to daily life. Enjoy.

73: Love Scam (Sarah Tiana):

Sarah Tiana met me at the Comedy Store to talk about her crazy experience with love in the Middle East. It's sort of a sad story. We're comics, so it was still funny, but it was still really sad at the same time. So it averages out to sort of sad.

80: Chester the Molester (Dale Dudley):

"Dale Dudley came over to my hotel room in Austin, TX to shoot the shit and talk about his childhood molestation. It's way more fun than the subject matter. This is a really good, honest, and funny podcast. It's exactly what I envisioned when I started the Skeptic Tank."

79a: We Are Anonymous (Luke Harder, Star_Fawkes):

Luke Harder and Star_Fawkes met me at the Comedy Store to talk about Anonymous. It was a really enlightening conversation. I think we all got the wrong idea about these guys. This is one to spread around.

79b: We Are Anonymous:

@Anonyphant and @Star_Fawkes came back to the Comedy Store to finish off our conversation about Anonymous. It was a really interesting and enlightening conversations and one of my favorite podcasts I've done. They're not out to get us, you guys. They're here to help us. They are us. We are Anonymous.

92: Caddyshack (Greg Fitzsimmons, Steve Simeone, Greg's hyper dog):

Greg Fitzsimmons had me over to his garage to tell me about his days as a caddy. I had no idea any other comedian had ever worked on a golf course. It's a strange community and it was an enexpected treat to be able to talk about it.

99: Scrappy Doo w Greg Fitzsimmons:

Greg Fitzsimmons had me over to his garage to tell me how much he loves to fight. Not organized fights. Just fights. Just regular, two dudes don't know each other and then one is punching the other, fights. It's a pretty fun podcast. What he does in the car is hard for me to wrap my head around.

95: Childless (Dom Irrera):

Dom Irrera met me at the Laugh Factory to talk about not having children. Dom is one of the only guys I know who has gone through most of his life while avoiding parenthood and we talked all about what that's like. It was a great podcast with an amazing comedian. Twitter him at @DomIrrera.

100: Deliverance (Ryan O'Neill, Jeff Danis, George Saint Pierre, Nate Diaz, Ari Shaffir):

Jeff Danis and Ryan O'Neill came by my apartment to talk about their jobs as grocery delivery drivers. Oh my god, there were so many hilarious stories. They're both comedians from the Comedy Store and their job is so ridiculous. For delivery drivers, there's a shocking amount of talk about nipples and Down syndrome.

104: The Art of War with Greg Jackson and Kevin Christy:

Greg Jackson of Greg Jackson's MMA met me in a hotel room in Vegas a few hours before UFC 156. Greg has always asked me about standup comedy and how comics will handle different situations. After some time he told me why he was so interested. He sees similarities between all art forms. He tries to find universal truths that apply to many art forms so he can apply that knowledge to MMA fight theory. It's really fascinating stuff. We've been talking about this stuff for years now and it's so interesting to me. If, like me, you thought everyone associated with cage fighting were meatheads, you're about to get a beautiful reminder of how people from all walks of life can offer you growth and knowlege.

105: Going Blind (Tom Segura):

Tom Segura invited me to go to his new Barbie Malibu Beach House so we could talk about masturbating. Just two best bro dudes intimately talking about making their penises shoot out loads of semen. And then somewhere at the end we talked about drunk driving. I don't think we ever talked about masturbating while drunk driving but we should have at least brought it up, huh?

115: Heroin - Down In A Hole (Donovan Pee):

Donovan Pee met me in my hotel room in Vancouver to talk about Heroin. Donovan was a heavy heroin user and lived on the streets of one of the most drug addicted blocks in North America. He was involved with the drug for decades and has only recently gotten away from it. It's a fascinating look at the life and exactly the kind of thing I like for this podcast.

113: Lefty Liberty (Jimmy Dore):

Jimmy Dore came by my slop haven of an apartment to tell me the truth about politics. I've never been very political, but lately I've started to become increasingly angrier about how little representation the average citizen has. Jimmy was always into the leftist side of things and he did a great job of explaining the problems with how things are run. And Mat Edgar joins me for the intro and outro to talk about Shroomfest and to share a few extra stealing stories that he forgot to mention on "Klepto."

120: Shroomfest 2013 w Tony Hinchcliffe, Mat Edgar, Pete Cornacchione:

Tony Hinchcliffe, Mat Edgar, Pete Cornacchione, and I spent Shroomfest together this year. We drove out to Joshua Tree, ate some shrooms, and wandered out into the wilderness. And then we had, what I believe, is probably the first podcast recorded at Joshua Tree National Park.

122: Exspecially Cutting:@JustyDodge

Justy Dodge came over to my New York apartment on the hottest day of the summer. We talked about her various mental disorders but centered on cutting. Justy is a New York based standup who spent her teens in and out of rehab for self mutilation. It was a great conversation despite a couple of her white trash words slipping out.

123: You Know What Dad (Robert Kelly):

Robert Kelly invited me over to his beautiful Manhattan apartment so we could talk about becoming a father. He had his first son 45 days ago and we had a nice discussion about what it was like. It was nice for me to hear how a former degenerate like Robert could transform himself into the type of dad that won't get child services called on him.

124: Rape & Eggs (Kathleen McGee):

Kathleen McGee invited me over to the apartment she was staying in while we were in Winnipeg together and we talked about her rape. It's about as lighthearted a conversation as possible considering the subject matter. This is kind of what this podcast is all about. Stark, realistic views of the world told in funny ways. Enjoy.

133: Fuck the Government (Dave Smith):

Dave Smith came over to my apartment so we could talk about this growing disillusionment I'm experiencing with our federal government. Dave is a devout libertarian and he knows a lot more of the facts than I do, so we discussed a lot of where we've gone wrong and where our politicians and generals have betrayed the will of its people. Listen to it now, because when the revolution comes, downloading podcasts won't be easy.

134: Maniac (John F. O'Donnell):

John F O'Donnell met me in Bushwick to talk about his manic depressive disorder. He's gone off the deep end a few times in his life and we got into it all. How it started, what happens, how it's affected him. It was a fun podcast that only got interrupted a couple times by a gang of 8 year old handball punks.

141: Happiness (@SteveSimeone) by AriShaffir:

Steve Simeone invited me over to his place while I was in LA and we talked about happiness. It started off being a conversation about being broke, but it quickly shifted as it became evident that Steve's poverty level was no longer the main influence on his mood. We talked about girls, and about family, and about giganitic boobs. But at its base, it's just a couple of buddies hanging out.

142: Gender Bender (Lauren Hennessy):

Lauren Hennessy came over to my NY apartment to tell me about what it's like to be a he/she. Lauren is a boy trapped in a girl's body. He's been that way since he was born. And you think you had it tough. Don't worry, this didn't get too serious or sad. Just two dudes talking about one of the dude's vaginas.

151: Ass Burger (@AutisticThunder):

Josh Meyrowitz came over to my LA apartment to talk to Mat Edgar and me about asperger's syndrome. I've been hearing about it ever since I was little but I've never met anyone with it until Josh. He's a little different than they way it's usually portrayed on TV. Maybe that's the comic side of him. Anyway, fun conversations on an interesting condition.

152: The Streetz, USA (Doc Willis):

Doc Willis met me at the Comedy Store to talk about his days slinging rock on the streets of Detroit. That's right, when Doc was 14 (What? 14? Yes, 14) he was in a gang and sold drugs to make a living. We go into who his customers were, all the violence, what makes someone hard, and much, much more. It's a really good episode. Enjoy.

157: Divorce, of Course:

"Jacob Sirof and Sherry Sirof (nee East) each had me over to their places of residence to talk about the divorce that they're going through right now. First I went to Moshe Kasher's old place where Jacob is staying. Then a week later I went to their old apartment to talk to Sherry about the same topic. It's an interesting view into two sides of a disolution of the bond of marriage."

159: Thrilled (@TomSegura):

"Tom Segura had me over to his palatial beach house to do an in depth analysis of his first album, Thrilled. It was a hilarious album and I'm glad he was able to give an inside look at how the bits came to be, his delivery style, and the problems he has looking back at the album. We treat it kind of academically. It's something I'd like to see a lot more comics do in the future and I'm so happy Tom was willing to do it here. The standup will be hilarious and the analysis will be instructive."

169: Blacklanta with Big Jay Oakerson and Ms. Pat:

Ms. Pat joined me in a park in Brooklyn (maybe Park Slope? No, that seems wrong) to tell me about what it was like growing up in the hood in Atlanta. Spoiler alert: It was way different than how I grew up in the suburbs of Maryland. It's a story of teen pregnancies, gunshot wounds, and Jimmy Carter..

170: HIV for Victory w Jeff Scott:

"Jeff Scott had me over to his West Hollywood apartment to tell me the story of his HIV. How he got it, how he's managed to live with it for 30 years, how it's affected his life, how he's been treated by others, and about the friends he's lost. It's one of the most interesting podcasts I've done. You should share it with everybody."

173: Beijingaling (@DesBishop, @ComicDaveSmith):

Des Bishop met me in a park in Beijing to tell me all about China. Des is a comic from Ireland by way of New York and he moved to Beijing a couple of years ago to learn Mandarin to try to do standup for Chinese people. He came as an outsider and after almost 2 years there, he's made quite a few observations about the country and about Beijing in particular. What a cool thing about podcasts that I can record these with minimal effort on the other side of the planet. Dave Smith joins me for the intro and outro.

183: Popo (@MarkDemayo):

Mark Demayo came over to my apartment this week. We drank some beers and talked about his 20 years as a policeman in New York. It was a fun, open conversation. I asked him a ton of questions about what being a cop is like and Mark answered everything. Fun podcast.

197: Injection Protection (Morgan Black):

Morgan Black met me in my hotel room in Vancouver to talk about his job at Insite. Insite is the safe injection place on Hastings Street in Vancouver. It's a place in heroin alley where junkies can go to get clean needles and they can use those needls to shoot up in a place that's supervised by people like Morgan. He watches over them to make sure they don't overdose. If they begin to, it's up to him to try and save them. He's seen a lot since he's been there and he shares it here.

203: Prison Rules (Ali Siddiq)

Ali Siddiq met me at the Comedy Store to talk about prison. I always knew prison life was hard, but damn. I didn't know about all of this. Ali spent 6 years locked away with some of the most violent criminals in Texas. This is a great episode and really fun and interesting.

216: Tenement (Nick Mullen):

"Nick Mullen met me at my in New York to talk about his illegal living situation. Nick is a funny young comic who literally lives in tenement housing. We talked all about it and got into some existential stuff about comedy. And we took a fun walk around the Bowery to see his garbage neighborhood full of chuds."

219: Khob Khun Krap with Pete C:

"Pete Cornacchione and I sat down outside the airport in Chiang Mai, Thailand to talk about all the things we saw out there. We did so much that we couldn't even fit it into one episode. So we just talked about mainland Thailand. Phuket, Bangkok, and Chiang Mai. Man, did we do a crapload of stuff. Join us on our podcast..."

223: Palsy with Davey Wester:

Davey Wester trekked his way across Manhattan to my apartment to talk to me about his cerebral palsy. Davey is a Comedy Store comic from way back. We've had a couple CP comics there over the years and this is actually the first time I really talked to any of them about the condition. Surprisingly fun discussion based on the topic. And some good Gallagher stuff. Ian Edwards and Zara Mizrahi join me from Bonnaroo for the introduction.

224: Take Me Out To The Ball Game (@PaulMorrissey):

Paul Morrissey and I went to a Yankee game to talk about baseball. We got seats right behind the visitor's bullpen and we did a podcast from right there. We started on the walk to the subway, continued on the train a little, got lost some, got inside, met some Jews, had a dog, met some more people, and watched some more baseball. It was a great day.

227: The Herp (@JoeListComedy):

"Joe List met me in Central Park on a beautiful summer day to have a wonderful talk about herpes. Joe's got it. He's open about it. And he answered everything you wanted to know abou tit. If you already have it, you'll relate. If you are going to get it soon, this will help you when you get unlucky. If you never get it. Congrats. Let's bone."

235: First Responder; A 9/11 Story (Cris Italia):

9/11 was a terrible day in American history. This is one story of the many stories of that day. Cris Italia was a volunteer EMT and was around the corner when the first plane hit. By the time the second plane hit, he was already at ground zero, helping. It's a heartbreaking story of what happened to one man the day America stopped being invincible.

256: Take a Hike (@TheoVon):

Theo Von met me at a secret hike in LA to do a walking podcast about hiking. Theo's a hilarious comic but he's also hiked Mount Kilimanjaro. I climb hills, bro. Hills. He climbed a giant mountain. It was a fun talk and it really puts you in the place where we were. I love these "on-location" podcasts.

257: Money For Nothing (2 anonymous defense contractors):

"Two US Army defense contractors met me in a secret location in America to discuss what it's like to go work for the government on foreign soils. They both work as contractors in stations all over the world and they gave a first hand account of how much waste goes into our imperialism. It was an interesting look into the life of a hired grunt in the middle of a war zone."

262 Cleavage Day @Gary Vider:

"Gary Vider met me in Central Park to walk around and gawk at women for Cleavage Day. Cleavage Day is the first weekend day over 70 degrees in New York. It takes place in every city that has a real winter. It's that magical day when all the skin comes out of hiding. Women are showing cleavage and legs and stomach left and right. It's just a magical time to be a heterosexual man or a homosexual woman. So come join us on our bosomy adventure in New York."

265: Knife Hits in Alaska (@DanSoder):

"Dan Soder came over to my place to tell me all about the summer he spent working in a cannery in Alaska. The people he worked with were straight deigns without even realizing it. This might be the best summer job of all time."

270: NY Pizza Party (@NotAlexis):

Alexis Guerreros took me on a pizza tour of New York. He's a standup comic but he runs these tours for extra cash and he took me on one, showing me his favorite of 3 different styles of pizza. Pizza and New York have a storied connection and Alexis explained how that all came up, the deal with 1 dollar slices, and even where pizza originated. It's an on location style podcast through the streets of Manhattan and Brooklyn. Join us for a delicious slice. "

276: "Running" Of The Bulls (@KaiHumphries, @MiloComedy, @Daniel_Sloss):

Kai Humphries, Milo McCabe, and Daniel Sloss met me at the Abattoir comedian's bar in Edinburgh, Scotland to tell me their harrowing tale of cheating death at the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain. This was a super fun story! You gotta go to arithegreat.com for this one to look at the pictures. They're CRAZY. Guest appearances by random comedy people trying to distract us with booze."

277: Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost (@HenryRollins):

Henry Rollins met me in a hotel cafe in Edinburgh, Scotland to talk about travel. Henry goes all over the globe. He really likes to get off the beaten path and explore new places. I thought I liked seeing things, but Rollins takes it to a whole new level. He goes places I've never even heard of, met people I didn't know existed, done things I'd be too scared to do. It was such a fun conversation and it filled me with wanderlust.

281: The Reyk (@AriEldjarn):

Ari Eldjarn and I drove around in Iceland and did a podcast about that beautiful country while we did. Ari is a comedian in Reykjavik. One of the first comedians, to be more precise. He and I hung out for 3 days while I was there and so we got on the mics in his car and I just asked him questions about his country for a while. It's one of those road trip episodes I do sometimes. So, come sit in the back, don't interrupt us, and eavesdrop on our conversation.

282: Aunt Flo (@Aiapalucci, @Stollemcache, @AmberSmelson):

Amber Nelson, Sarah Tollemache, and Adrian Iapalucci came to my apartment to tell me about periods. And I mean all about it. About the blood flow, about PMS, about cramps, about period diarrhea, all of it. It's for sure gonna make some dudes feel uncomfortable, but it was really interesting to me. But I eat my own boogers, so maybe I'm not the best judge of what's too much. Either way, it was a really funny conversation with three comics on the subject of menses.

284: #BertIsFat (@BertKreischer):

Bert Kreischer came to my apartment while he was in New York and we talked about who was fatter; him or Tom Segura. Bert made some solid cases for his side of things but most of those cases were made with a full chicken wing in between his two front teeth, so grain of salt I guess.

288: Death of a Salesman (@TimJDillon):

Tim Dillon came to my apartment to tell me about his former life in sales. He's sold everything. From mortgages to office equipment to a history of New York. Tim has hilarious stories about all of it. Fun, fun, fun podcast.

289 Tales of a Teenage Bedwetter w Mark Normand:

Mark Normand invited me to his brand new apartment to do a podcast about bedwetting. Mark and I were both very late bedwetters. So we got together and talked about what it's like to be 14 and still pissing on yourself every night. All the plastic sheets, the fear of sleepovers, what our moms had to go through. God, it was embarrassing.

290 Cave Man with John Spies:

John Spies sat down with me on the deck of the Cave Lodge in Soppong to tell me all about cave exploration and the unique life that he's built in northern Thailand. The man has lived an amazing life. And this pit stop on his way from Australia to Europe has now lasted over a quarter century.

292: Cleavage Day 2017 with Legion of Skanks:

The entire Legion of Skanks came with me on an ogling walk around Manhattan during my 2nd favorite* holiday of the year, Cleavange Day. Dave Smith, Luis J Gomez, Big Jay Oakerson and I walked as a group around the city, enjoying the rewards of the first warm day of the year. It was such a fun day! So join us on a wonderful adventure.

294 Je Zu Tin Ba De w Ryan Nanni and William Childress:

"William Childress (skip to 53:30) had me over to his homestay in Siem Reap, Cambodia to talk about Myanmar. He lived there for years. And it was the first place I went on my travels this year. So I finished seeing a temple near Angkor Wat and went to visit him so we could talk about one of my favorite countries in the world. Myanmar is amazing. See it before it gets ruined by globalism. Also, I went kind of nuts on the intro and outro. And then stay tuned after the outro because I also included a conversation I had with a 17 year old Burmese girl I met out there at a restaurant outside Inle Lake. This might be my fullest podcast ever."

298 Vagabonder w Rolf Potts:

Rolf Potts met me in Tompkins Square Park to talk to me about travel. Rolf wrote one of my favorite books of all time called Vagabonding. It's all about long term travel. It influenced the hell out of me. And I was so stoked to be able to talk about getting out there in the world with such a well worn traveler like him.

320: Take My Wife Please - Aubrey Marcus:

"Aubrey Marcus came over to my apartment and we had a really in depth discussion about open relationships. Aubrey is the most honest person I've ever met on the subject. He has truly looked inwards and examined all the angles. It's a really great discussion on the topic."

321: Let My People Go:

"Ari Shaffir comes to my apartment to tell you about Passover. All of it. Not just what you're supposed to do, but also where the holiday comes from, all the laws, the seder, what matzah tastes like. Everything. It's probably the best I've ever been in terms of not interrupting the guest. I still managed to do it a few times, but way less than normal."

323: Mitzi:

Mitzi Shore came into my life in my first 3 months of standup. I spent the next 10 years getting close with the owner of the Comedy Store. She passed away earlier this month. And I took the opportunity to share, but really to relive all the things I learned from her and all the times we had, good and terrible. She was a massive part of my development as a comedian. The most important part, really. So it's really unsettling having her gone for good. Join me as I come to terms with what Mitzi meant to me.

347: Hot tub time machine (@BertKreischer, @SteveRannazzisi, @DanishAndOneill, @MarkNorm):

Bert Kreischer, Steve Rannazzisi, Ryan O'Neill and I sat in a hot tub in Park City and talked about the past. It was the first night of a week of skiing and storytelling shows and oh what fun it was. Mark Normand joined us a couple days later and after we all got home, he and I did the intro from the Comedy Cellar in NY. It was a fun podcast and probably the least clothed 4 way podcast I've ever done. Just sitting in a jacuzzi in Utah, talking shit.

353: Modern Hippie (@Tim Ferriss):

"Tim Ferriss met me in Austin to talk about travel and art and nature and love. He's a hippie. He's what the new version of a hippie is."

361: Spange (Tall Boy):

A homeless non-binary person let me sit with her and talk about what it's like to live on the street and beg for change. Spange is a homeless term that means spare change. I think it's a verb. Anyway, that's what Tall Boy does. Spange for food money. It was interesting to hear some actual humanity from people we often see as invisible.

365: The Revolution w Adbuster Editor in Chief Kalle Lasn:

"Adbusters Editor in Chief, Kalle Lasn met me in his office at the magazine to talk to me about the revolution. I see it going down only with violence but he is far more hopeful about the ways in which we're going to change the systems in place. He's a brilliant man and it was such a treat to get to sit down with him and hear him say out loud some of the ideas he's been putting forth in Adbusters."

369: The Podfather - Brian Redban:

Brian Redban took me into his new podcast studio to talk about the early days of the podcast scene in Los Angeles. When everything was guerrilla. When it was fresh and new and nobody knew what it was gonna turn into. It was such a crazy time and Redban was right there helping form the scene. From the Joe Rogan podcast, to mine, to Segura's, and lots more, he helped build the scene from the ground up. We talked about what it was like, what podcasts have turned into, and where it's going now...

370: Troll (Milo Yiannopoulos):

Milo Yiannopoulos came over to my apartment to have one of my favorite talks ever on this podcast. It's a talk about trolling. Milo is one of the best in the world at it. This is gonna take you a week to listen to. The intro goes for 57 minutes alone. You can skip it if you want, but it's 53 minutes of content that you'll be missing about my own start in trolling. Trolls are the most maligned and misunderstood of all the world's artist. And I don't use the term "artist" lightly. Trolling is an art form. I've been looking forward to this episode for months now. And you're going to love it or ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. I hope you're the former. But if you're the latter, then we got you. You've been trolled. pWn3d.

372: ‘Roid Range (Mike Cannon):

Mike Cannon met me at Gas Digital to tell me about his old days as a total meathead who legit took steroids. I'm not even kidding. You can't believe how much of an idiot this guy was. He's normal now, but he was a juice head moron back in the day. We also talked a lot about our mutual love for underground back room poker games

405: War Stories (Jake Hanrahan):

Jake Hanrahan talked to me about conflict reporting. He goes to war zones and tries to bring back word of what's actually going on in these areas. It's crazy. He brings back tons of footage. Look at PopularFront.co and you'll see what I'm talking about. He's not even welcome in a lot of these places. Once they put him in a Turkish prison! Really interesting stuff in this one. You gotta excuse the sound a little...

407: Obsessive compulsive with Eli Sears:

Eli Sairs came over to talk to me about his OCD. He's got it bad. And it's all wrapped up with Jesus, too, which makes it even harder to deal with. The levels this guy has to go through just to make through basic life stuff is astounding. I bet he eats box really thoroughly, though. Didn't ask him about that. I wish I had.

408: The Lady With A Giant Hog (Margo Reiss @Margo_A_GoGo):

Margo Reiss came over and let me ask her all about transsexuality. I mean, super cool about it. Let me just ask anything I didn't understand and she explained what it was like to me. We got into why to chop it off or not, the bar scene, Katelyn Jenner, how hard we like to fuck, some history, and a bunch more. God, I wish you could talk to people in real life this way. We'd be so much better off as a society.

415: Baby Skeletons w/ Adrienne Iapalucci:

"We’re trying something different this week. I, Ari Shaffir, am bringing you an entire album of one of my favorite comedians in the world. For free."

438: Six Months Of Hating Men with Annie Lederman:

Annie Lederman tells me about her time as a man-hater. Annie has come out of it since then but she recounts the way she got caught up in a world of despising an entire gender and how she was able to extricate herself from that way of thinking.

and he includes the final episode

519: Talk Talk with Ron Bennington

"Ron Bennington joins me on today's episode to talk about interview style and his series Unmasked. Ron is someone whose style of interviewing I've always admired, it seemed fitting to have him on this episode."

TLDR: Guidelines work better for me than cold turkey no-buys. Instead of saying "no new clothes for X months" I can buy clothes... but with guidelines. I use a wish list first, I can only buy clothes I try on in person, I have to try thrift and consignment shops first, they have to be "perfect" and not just "good enough," and I have to give myself a chance to return them. This has been better for me than no-buy, but everyone's different.
----
[Warning, long post ahead!]
This strategy helped me, and I wanted to share in case someone out there thinks the same way that I do.
My brain tends to get rebellious around super strict requirements, so no-buys haven't worked for me. For a month or so it would go OK, but I would end up white-knuckling it. It was not a sustainable change for me. My brain would start to rebel, I would "mess up" by shopping for something, and then I felt helpless against my addiction.
Then I remembered that when I wanted to manage my weight a while back, I knew it would be helpful to stop drinking so much soda. But telling myself I was never going to have soda again was too much.
So I made a new guideline for myself, that I could sustainably integrate into my life. I decided I wouldn't pay for sugary soda. If someone offered it to me for free like at a picnic, I would let myself have it. But I don't purchase it. My rebellious brain was OK with this, and maybe a little relieved. It knew soda made me feel physically bad, but didn't like strict rules. Soon I wasn't drinking any for weeks and I lost the taste for it. I made similar guidelines for other areas where I had issues with self-control, but didn't succeed at fully banning from my life.
A decade later, it clicked for me that I could try that approach for my clothes buying problem, after failing several no-buys.
I came up with these:

1. If I want something, first it goes into my wish list (notes app). That takes care of the initial shopping itch. Most of the time I forget I ever wanted it. But if it keeps coming back to my mind, or it's for something specific, and I've looked in my closets and don't see an equivalent...
2. I only buy clothes/shoes that I can TRY ON before purchase. For my body shape, buying online = 90% returns. Honestly, I don't miss online clothes shopping since it was almost always disappointing and I could have saved so much effort by only buying things I can try on.
3. If I really want a particular type of clothing, I have to try secondhand shops first. Usually I can find what I'm looking for, for a fraction of the price new. If not, it delays the purchasing enough that I can reconsider whether it's really worth the hassle when I have thousands of dollars of clothes at home.
4. To buy something, it has to be PERFECT. You know the feeling, when you know it's going to be a great buddy that you'll wear for years and mourn when it starts to fade. Nothing "OK" or "good enough" or "I'll tailor it." It must give me the "perfect" feeling. And even then, I'll try it on again at home with the tags on, just in case. I already have plenty of perfect items, maybe I don't need one more.

These have worked very well for me for the past few months. They don't feel restrictive. In fact, they put ME first, ahead of the stupid companies. The guidelines say: I deserve good items that fit and don't cost a ton, instead of endless buy-return cycles and piles of "just OK" things I never wear (and which hurt the planet too). They make sense to me, help me look out for my own well-being, and I can still get something if I need it - so even the rebellious part of my brain grudgingly agrees these are worth following.
Since curbing my need to clothes shop, I have channeled my obsessive shopping urges into new pursuits. Instead of "researching" the best clothes or shoes or lotions or whatever, I research other things that actually help me...
Best budgeting strategies. The highest yield savings account I can find. Which romance novels I would like (Goodreads + Libby app). Decluttering and organization strategies (Clutterbug is my favorite, she has books and a YT channel). Mediterranean diet recipes I can make easily at home. Making a spreadsheet to track my net worth. Best ways to propagate my plants. Planning what to sell at a garage sale. Etc. etc.
It took me about three years to get to this point of relative peace after realizing I had a serious shopping problem. And I only realized I had a shopping problem after a decade or so of therapy/self-help reading/healing other things in my life. Keep trying. The only real failure is when you stop trying.
PS Check out the book "To Buy or Not to Buy" by April Benson. It helped me turn the corner.

u/-random_ness- x2
1- YOOOO these recipes look bomb. Thanks for the awesome Apple Barn Cider Mill card. We have ‘Apple Hill’ nearby which gets really busy in the winter time, but its nice https://www.applehillca.com/placerville-california We also have a customer called Ikeda’s, started by Japanese American orchard farmers. Two Christmases ago, my bosses bought everyone a pie https://www.ikedas.com/products/ikedas-fresh-baked-pie I think I got Marionberry, which I had never had before, but wanted to singlehandedly eat myself XD the Applewood Julep looks fire, I love BudgetBytes’ Orange Pineapple Julius, which looks pretty similar https://www.budgetbytes.com/homemade-pineapple-orange-julius/ Northern California has a really famous brand of apple cider called Martinelli’s down near the Watsonville/Santa Cruz area. But I work at a beverage distribution company and we carry this Spiced Apple cider https://www.specialtyfood.com/products/product/44857/rieme-french-sparkling-beverage-spiced-apple/ (but I like the Cranberry Lime more… so crisp)Your town looks so cute with lots of trees. You explained it well :)
2- Omg! Happy Belated Hug Your Cat Day!!! Ollie sounds amazing, thank you for those cute stories of the suckers and mouse sandwich! LOL. The cat in my icon is Blackberry aka bb and she was 15 when she passed. She was feral for about a year and never really grew out of it, but EVERYONE I met DID NOT believe the black cat ‘bad luck’ superstition. EVERYONE adored her, whether she let them get close to her or not XD My friend even made a moodboard of her https://boyegcs.tumblr.com/post/158374659575
u/jane_q — Thank you for the gorgeous cat card with REALLY CUTE STICKERS!! I would love to understand how you are more allergic to orange cats, that is fantastic but also tragic. What if they’re mixed, like calico?
u/Syniel22 — Hello, international friend! Aquasabon Falls look gorgeous, I definitely need to travel more and see Earth’s beauties <3
u/dianapenpal — Thank you for the lovely Victoria Memorial card! I’ve never been to the UK!
u/gizmodos x2
Thanks for the howling card! I have never heard of any of your music, but I think I could get into Colter Wall :) my current songs are: Ava - Coeur de Pirate. The Bridge - d4vd. and Restless Year - Ezra Furman.
Thank you for the black and white card with sticker goodies <3333 If I had a month of paid vacation, I would want to travel and rest and clean! I work 5 day weeks but my partner works 3 12s and 4 12s alternating weeks. We could do so much on his off days. Currently for my bday we have a museum and couples spa planned :)
u/queen_4_tsunami — Friend! Since I met my partner he has been wanting to rescue animals. I LOVE that you do that! I’m glad you still have puppies and piggies and kittens and bunnies. on the vegan subreddit I learned about opensanctuary.org and I Want to look into that, for education. Thank you for so much for keeping the precious angels safe, would love some pet tax <3
u/ninajyang — Thank you for the postcard! I love the idea of teleportation…. gas is EXPENSIVE x)
u/lunarknight22 — Thank you for the awesome bookmobile postcard! I handsdown thought your username was the gongoozler and was puzzled when the user hadn’t been active in 10 years XD
u/littlemermaidxx — Hi friend! thank you for the awesome cute striped cat card! I use Thayer’s Witch Hazel. I like the cucumber, but they have a rose petal scent as well, so I see why you like your wipes so much! :)
u/elementaljourney — THANK YOU FOR THE HIPPOPOTANEUSE CARD. Your handwriting is super cute and pretty :) That mushroom snail sticker is literally so cute, and your message means a lot <3
u/heymorganm x4 — omg, thank you for the extra Harry Potter postcards!!!! Do you paint AND stamp your cards and envelopes? Its fantastic, your homemade card was so cute I absolutely adore the care you put into it, and the kind words about self compassion. Thank you a ton!!
u/wasabi-ginger14 — OMG, did you give me erasers?? AAAA and your homemade card is SO STINKIN’ CUTE!!! The duck and butterfly sticker??? the curled up kitty???? the shimering cloud and gorgeous flowers and washi??? aaaaaa love love love <3

So I'm getting stuff to make lasagna tomorrow that way we save gas by getting my meds and getting groceries Saturday. Man. XD
I can ask Rob for cat food but the kid gets paid Saturday. I just feel bad asking for his money but we all live together and he has a cat too. So I just need to let it stretch until Saturday morning.
I feel better. I get overwhelmed by stress sometimes and I have to discharge it and I'm not able to go walk since I've got a cold rn. So here we are. This is my character flaw. XD I did find two recipes so far I'm intent upon trying- Tuscany white bean soup and minestrone with beef tips. I saw a very yummy looking mushroom gravy and skirt steak recipe too. I'm glad I feel well enough to plan food again.

NARRATOR: (Black screen with text; The sound of buzzing bees can be heard) According to all known laws of aviation, : there is no way a bee should be able to fly. : Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. : The bee, of course, flies anyway : because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. BARRY BENSON: (Barry is picking out a shirt) Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. : Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. JANET BENSON: Barry! Breakfast is ready! BARRY: Coming! : Hang on a second. (Barry uses his antenna like a phone) : Hello? ADAM FLAYMAN:
(Through phone) - Barry? BARRY: - Adam? ADAM: - Can you believe this is happening? BARRY: - I can't. I'll pick you up. (Barry flies down the stairs) : MARTIN BENSON: Looking sharp. JANET: Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. BARRY: Sorry. I'm excited. MARTIN: Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. : A perfect report card, all B's. JANET: Very proud. (Rubs Barry's hair) BARRY= Ma! I got a thing going here. JANET: - You got lint on your fuzz. BARRY: - Ow! That's me!
JANET: - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! (Barry flies out the door) JANET: Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! (Barry drives through the hive,and is waved at by Adam who is reading a newspaper) BARRY== - Hey, Adam. ADAM: - Hey, Barry. (Adam gets in Barry's car) : - Is that fuzz gel? BARRY: - A little. Special day, graduation. ADAM: Never thought I'd make it. (Barry pulls away from the house and continues driving) BARRY: Three days grade school, three days high school... ADAM: Those were awkward. BARRY: Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. ADAM== You did come back different. (Barry and Adam pass by Artie, who is jogging) ARTIE: - Hi, Barry!
BARRY: - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. ADAM: - Hear about Frankie? BARRY: - Yeah. ADAM== - You going to the funeral? BARRY: - No, I'm not going to his funeral. : Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. : Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. ADAM: I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. (The car does a barrel roll on the loop-shaped bridge and lands on the highway) : I love this incorporating an amusement park into our regular day. BARRY: I guess that's why they say we don't need vacations. (Barry parallel parks the car and together they fly over the graduating students) Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. (Barry and Adam sit down and put on their hats) : - Well, Adam, today we are men.
ADAM: - We are! BARRY= - Bee-men. =ADAM= - Amen! BARRY AND ADAM: Hallelujah! (Barry and Adam both have a happy spasm) ANNOUNCER: Students, faculty, distinguished bees, : please welcome Dean Buzzwell. DEAN BUZZWELL: Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... : ...9: : That concludes our ceremonies. : And begins your career at Honex Industries! ADAM: Will we pick our job today? (Adam and Barry get into a tour bus) BARRY= I heard it's just orientation. (Tour buses rise out of the ground and the students are automatically loaded into the buses) TOUR GUIDE: Heads up! Here we go.
ANNOUNCER: Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. BARRY: - Wonder what it'll be like? ADAM: - A little scary. TOUR GUIDE== Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco : and a part of the Hexagon Group. Barry: This is it! BARRY AND ADAM: Wow. BARRY: Wow. (The bus drives down a road an on either side are the Bee's massive complicated Honey-making machines) TOUR GUIDE: We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life : to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. : Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. : Our top-secret formula : is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured : into this soothing sweet syrup : with its distinctive golden glow you know as... EVERYONE ON BUS: Honey! (The guide has been collecting honey into a bottle and she throws it into the crowd on the bus and it is caught by a girl in the back) ADAM: - That girl was hot. BARRY: - She's my cousin! ADAM== - She is? BARRY: - Yes, we're all cousins. ADAM: - Right. You're right. TOUR GUIDE: - At Honex, we constantly strive : to improve every aspect of bee existence. : These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. (The bus passes by a Bee wearing a helmet who is being smashed into the ground with fly-swatters, newspapers and boots. He lifts a thumbs up but you can hear him groan) : ADAM==

• What do you think he makes? BARRY:
• Not enough. TOUR GUIDE: Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. (They pass by a turning wheel with Bees standing on pegs, who are each wearing a finger-shaped hat) Barry:
• Wow, What does that do? TOUR GUIDE:
• Catches that little strand of honey : that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. ADAM: (Intrigued) Can anyone work on the Krelman? TOUR GUIDE: Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. : But choose carefully : because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. (Everyone claps except for Barry) BARRY: The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. ADAM:

What's the difference? TOUR GUIDE: You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off : in 27 million years. BARRY: (Upset) So you'll just work us to death? : We'll sure try. (Everyone on the bus laughs except Barry. Barry and Adam are walking back home together) ADAM: Wow! That blew my mind! BARRY: "What's the difference?" How can you say that? : One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. ADAM: I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. BARRY: But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? ADAM: Why would you question anything? We're bees. : We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth.
BARRY: You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? ADAM: Like what? Give me one example. (Barry and Adam stop walking and it is revealed to the audience that hundreds of cars are speeding by and narrowly missing them in perfect unison) BARRY: I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. ANNOUNCER: Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. BARRY: Wait a second. Check it out. (The Pollen jocks fly in, circle around and landing in line) : - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! ADAM: - Wow. : I've never seen them this close. BARRY: They know what it's like outside the hive. ADAM: Yeah, but some don't come back. GIRL BEES: - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! (The Pollen Jocks hook up their backpacks to machines that pump the nectar to trucks, which drive away)
LOU LO DUVA: You guys did great! : You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! (Punching the Pollen Jocks in joy) I love it! ADAM: - I wonder where they were. BARRY: - I don't know. : Their day's not planned. : Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. : You can't just decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. ADAM== Right. (Barry and Adam are covered in some pollen that floated off of the Pollen Jocks) BARRY: Look at that. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. ADAM: It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. BARRY: Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. (Barry waves at 2 girls standing a little away from them)
ADAM== Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? BARRY: Distant. Distant. POLLEN JOCK #1: Look at these two. POLLEN JOCK #2: - Couple of Hive Harrys. POLLEN JOCK #1: - Let's have fun with them. GIRL BEE #1: It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. BARRY: Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! : He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! (Slaps Adam with his hand to represent his scenario) GIRL BEE #2: - Oh, my! BARRY: - I never thought I'd knock him out. GIRL BEE #1: (Looking at Adam) What were you doing during this? ADAM: Obviously I was trying to alert the authorities. BARRY: I can autograph that.
(The pollen jocks walk up to Barry and Adam, they pretend that Barry and Adam really are pollen jocks.) POLLEN JOCK #1: A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? BARRY: Yeah. Gusty. POLLEN JOCK #1: We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. BARRY: - Six miles, huh? ADAM: - Barry! POLLEN JOCK #2: A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. BARRY: - Maybe I am. ADAM: - You are not! POLLEN JOCK #1: We're going 0900 at J-Gate. : What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? BARRY: I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. (The scene cuts to Barry looking out on the hive-city from his balcony at night) MARTIN:
Hey, Honex! BARRY: Dad, you surprised me. MARTIN: You decide what you're interested in? BARRY: - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. : Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? MARTIN: Son, let me tell you about stirring. : You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. : You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. BARRY: You know, Dad, the more I think about it, : maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. MARTIN: You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? : That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. :
Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! JANET: - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. BARRY: - I'm not trying to be funny. MARTIN: You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! JANET: - You're gonna be a stirrer? BARRY: - No one's listening to me! MARTIN: Wait till you see the sticks I have. BARRY: I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! (Barry's parents don't listen to him and continue to ramble on) MARTIN: Let's open some honey and celebrate! BARRY: Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. : Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! JANET: I'm so proud. (The scene cuts to Barry and Adam waiting in line to get a job) ADAM: - We're starting work today!
BARRY: - Today's the day. ADAM: Come on! All the good jobs will be gone. BARRY: Yeah, right. JOB LISTER: Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... BEE IN FRONT OF LINE: - Is it still available? JOB LISTER: - Hang on. Two left! : One of them's yours! Congratulations! Step to the side. ADAM: - What'd you get? BEE IN FRONT OF LINE: - Picking crud out. Stellar! (He walks away) ADAM: Wow! JOB LISTER: Couple of newbies? ADAM: Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! JOB LISTER: Make your choice. (Adam and Barry look up at the job board. There are hundreds of constantly changing panels that contain available or unavailable jobs. It looks very confusing)
ADAM: - You want to go first? BARRY: - No, you go. ADAM: Oh, my. What's available? JOB LISTER: Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. ADAM: - Any chance of getting the Krelman? JOB LISTER: - Sure, you're on. (Puts the Krelman finger-hat on Adam's head) (Suddenly the sign for Krelman closes out) : I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. (Takes Adam's hat off) Wax monkey's always open. ADAM: The Krelman opened up again. : What happened? JOB LISTER: A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. : Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. : Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life!
ADAM: Oh, this is so hard! (Barry remembers what the Pollen Jock offered him and he flies off) Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, : humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, : mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? (Adam turns around and sees Barry flying away) : Barry! POLLEN JOCK: All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... ADAM: (Through phone) What happened to you? Where are you? BARRY: - I'm going out. ADAM: - Out? Out where? BARRY: - Out there. ADAM: - Oh, no! BARRY: I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. ADAM:
You're gonna die! You're crazy! (Barry hangs up) Hello? POLLEN JOCK #2: Another call coming in. : If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd : that gets their roses today. BARRY: Hey, guys. POLLEN JOCK #1 == - Look at that. POLLEN JOCK #2: - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? LOU LO DUVA: Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. POLLEN JOCK #1: It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. (Puts hand on Barry's shoulder) LOU LO DUVA: (To Barry) Really? Feeling lucky, are you? BEE WITH CLIPBOARD: (To Barry) Sign here, here. Just initial that. : - Thank you. LOU LO DUVA: - OK. : You got a rain advisory today, :
and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. : So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, : hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. : Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. : Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! BARRY: - That's awful. LOU LO DUVA: (Still talking through megaphone) - And a reminder for you rookies, : bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! : All right, launch positions! POLLEN JOCKS: (The Pollen Jocks run into formation) : Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! LOU LU DUVA: Black and yellow! POLLEN JOCKS:
Hello! POLLEN JOCK #1: (To Barry)You ready for this, hot shot? BARRY: Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. POLLEN JOCK's: Wind, check. : - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. : - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. BARRY: Scared out of my shorts, check. LOU LO DUVA: OK, ladies, : let's move it out! : Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! : All of you, drain those flowers! (The pollen jocks fly out of the hive) BARRY: Wow! I'm out! : I can't believe I'm out! : So blue.
: I feel so fast and free! : Box kite! (Barry flies through the kite) : Wow! : Flowers! (A pollen jock puts on some high tech goggles that shows flowers similar to heat sink goggles.) POLLEN JOCK: This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. : Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. : Roses! POLLEN JOCK #1: 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. : Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. (The pollen jock fires a high-tech gun at the flower, shooting tubes that suck up the nectar from the flower and collects it into a pouch on the gun) BARRY: That is one nectar collector! POLLEN JOCK #1== - Ever see pollination up close? BARRY: - No, sir. POLLEN JOCK #1:
(Barry and the Pollen jock fly over the field, the pollen jock sprinkles pollen as he goes) : I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, : a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. BARRY: That's amazing. Why do we do that? POLLEN JOCK #1: That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. BARRY: Cool. POLLEN JOCK #1: I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. could be daisies. Don't we need those? POLLEN JOCK #2: Copy that visual. : Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. POLLEN JOCK #1: Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? POLLEN JOCK #2: Affirmative. (The Pollen jocks land near the "flowers" which, to the audience are obviously just tennis balls) KEN: (In the distance) That was on the line!
POLLEN JOCK #1: This is the coolest. What is it? POLLEN JOCK #2: I don't know, but I'm loving this color. : It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. POLLEN JOCK #1: Yeah, fuzzy. (Sticks his hand on the ball but it gets stuck) POLLEN JOCK #3== Chemical-y. (The pollen jock finally gets his hand free from the tennis ball) POLLEN JOCK #1: Careful, guys. It's a little grabby. (The pollen jocks turn around and see Barry lying his entire body on top of one of the tennis balls) POLLEN JOCK #2: My sweet lord of bees! POLLEN JOCK #3: Candy-brain, get off there! POLLEN JOCK #1: (Pointing upwards) Problem! (A human hand reaches down and grabs the tennis ball that Barry is stuck to) BARRY: - Guys! POLLEN JOCK #2: - This could be bad. POLLEN JOCK #3: Affirmative. (Vanessa Bloome starts bouncing the tennis ball, not knowing Barry is stick to it)
BARRY== Very close. : Gonna hurt. : Mama's little boy. (Barry is being hit back and forth by two humans playing tennis. He is still stuck to the ball) POLLEN JOCK #1: You are way out of position, rookie! KEN: Coming in at you like a MISSILE! (Barry flies past the pollen jocks, still stuck to the ball) BARRY: (In slow motion) Help me! POLLEN JOCK #2: I don't think these are flowers. POLLEN JOCK #3: - Should we tell him? POLLEN JOCK #1: - I think he knows. BARRY: What is this?! KEN: Match point! : You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to EAT IT! (A pollen jock coughs which confused Ken and he hits the ball the wrong way with Barry stuck to it and it goes flying into the city) BARRY:
Yowser! (Barry bounces around town and gets stuck in the engine of a car. He flies into the air conditioner and sees a bug that was frozen in there) BARRY: Ew, gross. (The man driving the car turns on the air conditioner which blows Barry into the car) GIRL IN CAR: There's a bee in the car! : - Do something! DAD DRIVING CAR: - I'm driving! BABY GIRL: (Waving at Barry) - Hi, bee. (Barry smiles and waves at the baby girl) GUY IN BACK OF CAR: - He's back here! : He's going to sting me! GIRL IN CAR: Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! (Barry freezes as well, hovering in the middle of the car) : GRANDMA IN CAR== He blinked! (The grandma whips out some bee-spray and sprays everywhere in the car, climbing into the front seat, still trying to spray Barry) GIRL IN CAR: Spray him, Granny! DAD DRIVING THE CAR: What are you doing?! (Barry escapes the car through the air conditioner and is flying high above
the ground, safe.) BARRY: Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. (Barry sees that storm clouds are gathering and he can see rain clouds moving into this direction) : I gotta get home. : Can't fly in rain. : Can't fly in rain. (A rain drop hits Barry and one of his wings is damaged) : Can't fly in rain. (A second rain drop hits Barry again and he spirals downwards) Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! (WW2 plane sound effects are played as he plummets, and he crash-lands on a plant inside an apartment near the window) VANESSA BLOOME: Ken, could you close the window please? KEN== Hey, check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. : You see? (Folds brochure resume out) Folds out. (Ken closes the window, trapping Barry inside) BARRY: Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. (Barry tries to fly away but smashes into the window and falls again) : What was that?
(Barry keeps trying to fly out the window but he keeps being knocked back because the window is closed) Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... : Drapes! (Barry taps the glass. He doesn't understand what it is) That is diabolical. KEN: It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. ANDY: What's number one? Star Wars? KEN: Nah, I don't go for that... (Ken makes finger guns and makes "pew pew pew" sounds and then stops) : ...kind of stuff. BARRY: No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. KEN: When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. BARRY: (Looking at the light on the ceiling) There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. (Starts flying towards the lightbulb) : I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. (Barry hits the lightbulb and falls into the dip on the table that the humans are sitting at) KEN:
I predicted global warming. : I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. (Andy dips a chip into the bowl and scoops up some dip with Barry on it and is about to put it in his mouth) : Wait! Stop! Bee! (Andy drops the chip with Barry in fear and backs away. All the humans freak out) : Stand back. These are winter boots. (Ken has winter boots on his hands and he is about to smash the bee but Vanessa saves him last second) VANESSA: Wait! : Don't kill him! (Vanessa puts Barry in a glass to protect him) KEN: You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! VANESSA: Why does his life have less value than yours? KEN: Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? VANESSA: I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. (Vanessa picks up Ken's brochure and puts it under the glass so she can carry Barry back to the window. Barry looks at Vanessa in amazement) KEN:
My brochure! VANESSA: There you go, little guy. (Vanessa opens the window and lets Barry out but Barry stays back and is still shocked that a human saved his life) KEN: I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. VANESSA: Put that on your resume brochure. KEN: My whole face could puff up. ANDY: Make it one of your special skills. KEN: Knocking someone out is also a special skill. (Ken walks to the door) Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. : - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? VANESSA: - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. : (Vanessa tries to close door) KEN== - You could put carob chips on there. VANESSA: - Bye. (Closes door but Ken opens it again) KEN: - Supposed to be less calories.
VANESSA: - Bye. (Closes door) (Fast forward to the next day, Barry is still inside the house. He flies into the kitchen where Vanessa is doing dishes) BARRY== (Talking to himself) I gotta say something. : She saved my life. I gotta say something. : All right, here it goes. (Turns back) Nah. : What would I say? : I could really get in trouble. : It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. : I can't believe I'm doing this. : I've got to. (Barry disguises himself as a character on a food can as Vanessa walks by again) : Oh, I can't do it. Come on! : No. Yes. No. : Do it. I can't.
: How should I start it? (Barry strikes a pose and wiggles his eyebrows) "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. (Vanessa is about to walk past Barry) Here she comes! Speak, you fool! : ...Hi! (Vanessa gasps and drops the dishes in fright and notices Barry on the counter) : I'm sorry. VANESSA: - You're talking. BARRY: - Yes, I know. VANESSA: (Pointing at Barry) You're talking! BARRY: I'm so sorry. VANESSA: No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. : But I don't recall going to bed. BARRY: Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. VANESSA: This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee!
BARRY: I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, (Pointing to the living room where Ken tried to kill him last night) but they were all trying to kill me. : And if it wasn't for you... : I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. (Vanessa stabs her hand with a fork to test whether she's dreaming or not) : That was a little weird. VANESSA: - I'm talking with a bee. BARRY: - Yeah. VANESSA: I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! BARRY: I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. (Barry turns to leave) VANESSA: - Wait! How did you learn to do that? BARRY: (Flying back) - What? VANESSA: The talking...thing. BARRY:
Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. VANESSA: - That's very funny. BARRY: - Yeah. : Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. : Anyway... VANESSA: Can I... : ...get you something? BARRY: - Like what? VANESSA: I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Coffee? BARRY: I don't want to put you out. VANESSA: It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. : - It's just coffee. BARRY: - I hate to impose. (Vanessa starts making coffee) VANESSA: - Don't be ridiculous!
BARRY: - Actually, I would love a cup. VANESSA: Hey, you want rum cake? BARRY: - I shouldn't. VANESSA: - Have some. BARRY: - No, I can't. VANESSA: - Come on! BARRY: I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. VANESSA: - Where? BARRY: - These stripes don't help. VANESSA: You look great! BARRY: I don't know if you know anything about fashion. : Are you all right? VANESSA: (Pouring coffee on the floor and missing the cup completely) No. (Flash forward in time. Barry and Vanessa are sitting together at a table on top of the apartment building drinking coffee)
: BARRY== He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. : He finally gets there. : He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. : And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. : Why would I marry a watermelon?" (Barry laughs but Vanessa looks confused) VANESSA: Is that a bee joke? BARRY: That's the kind of stuff we do. VANESSA: Yeah, different. : So, what are you gonna do, Barry? (Barry stands on top of a sugar cube floating in his coffee and paddles it around with a straw like it's a gondola) BARRY: About work? I don't know. : I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. VANESSA: I know how you feel.
BARRY: - You do? VANESSA: - Sure. : My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. BARRY: - Really? VANESSA: - My only interest is flowers. BARRY: Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. : Anyway, if you look... (Barry points to a tree in the middle of Central Park) : There's my hive right there. See it? VANESSA: You're in Sheep Meadow! BARRY: Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! VANESSA: No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. BARRY: - Why do girls put rings on their toes? VANESSA: - Why not? BARRY:

• It's like putting a hat on your knee. VANESSA:
• Maybe I'll try that. (A custodian installing a lightbulb looks over at them but to his perspective it looks like Vanessa is talking to a cup of coffee on the table) CUSTODIAN:
• You all right, ma'am? VANESSA:
• Oh, yeah. Fine. : Just having two cups of coffee! BARRY: Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. VANESSA== Yeah, it's no trouble. BARRY: Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. (Barry points towards the rum cake) : Can I take a piece of this with me? VANESSA: Sure! Here, have a crumb. (Vanessa hands Barry a crumb but it is still pretty big for Barry) BARRY:
• Thanks! VANESSA:
• Yeah. BARRY: All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around.
  : Or not. VANESSA: OK, Barry... BARRY: And thank you so much again... for before. VANESSA: Oh, that? That was nothing. BARRY: Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... (Vanessa and Barry hold hands, but Vanessa has to hold out a finger because her hands is to big and Barry holds that) (The custodian looks over again and it appears Vanessa is laughing at her coffee again. The lightbulb that he was screwing in sparks and he falls off the ladder) (Fast forward in time and we see two Bee Scientists testing out a parachute in a Honex wind tunnel) BEE SCIENTIST #1: This can't possibly work. BEE SCIENTIST #2: He's all set to go. We may as well try it. : OK, Dave, pull the chute. (Dave pulls the chute and the wind slams him against the wall and he falls on his face.The camera pans over and we see Barry and Adam walking together) ADAM:
  
• Sounds amazing. BARRY:
  
• It was amazing! : It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life.
  

ADAM: Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! : Giant, scary humans! What were they like? BARRY: Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. : They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. ADAM: - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? BARRY: - Some of them. But some of them don't. ADAM: - How'd you get back? BARRY: - Poodle. ADAM: You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. : You had your "experience." Now you can pick out your job and be normal. BARRY: - Well... ADAM: - Well? BARRY: Well, I met someone.
ADAM: You did? Was she Bee-ish? : - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! BARRY: - No, no, no, not a wasp. ADAM: - Spider? BARRY: - I'm not attracted to spiders. : I know, for everyone else, it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. : I can't get by that face. ADAM: So who is she? BARRY: She's... human. ADAM: No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. BARRY: - Her name's Vanessa. (Adam puts his head in his hands) ADAM: - Oh, boy. BARRY== She's so nice. And she's a florist! ADAM: Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!
BARRY: We're not dating. ADAM: You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes : with power washers and M-80s! That's one-eighth a stick of dynamite! BARRY: She saved my life! And she understands me. ADAM: This is over! BARRY: Eat this. (Barry gives Adam a piece of the crumb that he got from Vanessa. Adam eats it) ADAM: (Adam's tone changes) This is not over! What was that? BARRY: - They call it a crumb. ADAM: - It was so stingin' stripey! BARRY: And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! : - You know what a Cinnabon is? ADAM: - No. (Adam opens a door behind him and he pulls Barry in)
BARRY: It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. ADAM: Be quiet! BARRY: They heat it up... ADAM: Sit down! (Adam forces Barry to sit down) BARRY: (Still rambling about Cinnabons) ...really hot! (Adam grabs Barry by the shoulders) ADAM: - Listen to me! : We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! BARRY== Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? ADAM: There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! : You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! BARRY: - Thinking bee. WORKER BEE: - Thinking bee. WORKER BEES AND ADAM: Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee! (Flash forward in time; Barry is laying on a raft in a pool full of honey. He is wearing sunglasses) JANET: There he is. He's in the pool. MARTIN: You know what your problem is, Barry? (Barry pulls down his sunglasses and he looks annoyed) BARRY: (Sarcastic) I gotta start thinking bee? JANET: How much longer will this go on? MARTIN: It's been three days! Why aren't you working? (Puts sunglasses back on) BARRY: I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. MARTIN: What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! JANET: Would it kill you to make a little honey? (Barry rolls off the raft and sinks into the honey pool) : Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. : Martin, would you talk to him? MARTIN:
Barry, I'm talking to you! (Barry keeps sinking into the honey until he is suddenly in Central Park having a picnic with Vanessa) (Barry has a cup of honey and he clinks his glass with Vanessas. Suddenly a mosquito lands on Vanessa and she slaps it, killing it. They both gasp but then burst out laughing) VANESSA: You coming? (The camera pans over and Vanessa is climbing into a small yellow airplane) BARRY: Got everything? VANESSA: All set! BARRY: Go ahead. I'll catch up. (Vanessa lifts off and flies ahead) VANESSA: Don't be too long. (Barry catches up with Vanessa and he sticks out his arms like ana irplane. He rolls from side to side, and Vanessa copies him with the airplane) VANESSA: Watch this! (Barry stays back and watches as Vanessa draws a heart in the air using pink smoke from the plane, but on the last loop-the-loop she suddenly crashes into a mountain and the plane explodes. The destroyed plane falls into some rocks and explodes a second time) BARRY: Vanessa! (As Barry is yelling his mouth fills with honey and he wakes up, discovering that he was just day dreaming. He slowly sinks back into the honey pool) MARTIN: - We're still here.
JANET: - I told you not to yell at him. : He doesn't respond to yelling! MARTIN: - Then why yell at me? JANET: - Because you don't listen! MARTIN: I'm not listening to this. BARRY: Sorry, I've gotta go. MARTIN: - Where are you going? BARRY: - I'm meeting a friend. JANET: A girl? Is this why you can't decide? BARRY: Bye. (Barry flies out the door and Martin shakes his head) : JANET== I just hope she's Bee-ish. (Fast forward in time and Barry is sitting on Vanessa's shoulder and she is closing up her shop) BARRY: They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? VANESSA: To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream!
: Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. BARRY: A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? VANESSA: No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? BARRY: It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. VANESSA: Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. BARRY: TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! VANESSA: You don't have that? BARRY: We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. VANESSA: Oh, my. (A human walks by and Barry narrowly avoids him) PASSERBY: Dumb bees! VANESSA: You must want to sting all those jerks. BARRY: We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us. VANESSA: So you have to watch your temper (They walk into a store) BARRY: Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, : write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: : Anger, jealousy, lust. (Suddenly an employee(Hector) hits Barry off of Vanessa's shoulder. Hector thinks he's saving Vanessa) VANESSA: (To Barry) Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? (Barry is getting up off the floor) BARRY: Yeah. VANESSA: (To Hector) - What is wrong with you?! HECTOR: (Confused) - It's a bug. VANESSA: He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! (Vanessa hits Hector across the face with the magazine he had and then hits him in the head. Hector backs away covering his head) Barry: What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? (Vanessa sets Barry back on her shoulder)
VANESSA: Yeah, it was. How did you know? BARRY: It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. VANESSA: You've really got that down to a science. BARRY: - Oh, we have to. I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. VANESSA: - I'll bet. (Barry looks to his right and notices there is honey for sale in the aisle) BARRY: What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? (Barry looks at all the brands of honey, shocked) How did this get here? Cute Bee, Golden Blossom, : Ray Liotta Private Select? (Barry puts his hands up and slowly turns around, a look of disgust on his face) VANESSA: - Is he that actor? BARRY: - I never heard of him. : - Why is this here? VANESSA: - For people. We eat it. BARRY:
You don't have enough food of your own?! (Hector looks back and notices that Vanessa is talking to Barry) VANESSA: - Well, yes. BARRY: - How do you get it? VANESSA: - Bees make it. BARRY: - I know who makes it! : And it's hard to make it! : There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! VANESSA: - It's organic. BARRY: - It's our-ganic! VANESSA: It's just honey, Barry. BARRY: Just what?! : Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! : You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! :
And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. : I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! (Flash forward in time; Barry paints his face with black strikes like a soldier and sneaks into the storage section of the store) (Two men, including Hector, are loading boxes into some trucks) : SUPERMARKET EMPLOYEE== Hey, Hector. : - You almost done? HECTOR: - Almost. (Barry takes a step to peak around the corner) (Whispering) He is here. I sense it. : Well, I guess I'll go home now (Hector pretends to walk away by walking in place and speaking loudly) : and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. BARRY: You're busted, box boy! HECTOR: I knew I heard something! So you can talk! BARRY: I can talk. And now you'll start talking! : Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier? HECTOR: I don't understand. I thought we were friends. : The last thing we want to do is upset bees! (Hector takes a thumbtack out of the board behind him and sword-fights Barry. Barry is using his stinger like a sword) : You're too late! It's ours now! BARRY: You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! HECTOR: You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! (Barry hits the thumbtack out of Hectors hand and Hector surrenders) Barry: Where is the honey coming from? : Tell me where! HECTOR: (Pointing to leaving truck) Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! (Barry chases after the truck but it is getting away. He flies onto a bicyclists' backpack and he catches up to the truck) CAR DRIVER: (To bicyclist) Crazy person! (Barry flies off and lands on the windshield of the Honey farms truck. Barry looks around and sees dead bugs splattered everywhere) BARRY: What horrible thing has happened here?
: These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now : they're on the road to nowhere! (Barry hears a sudden whisper) (Barry looks up and sees Mooseblood, a mosquito playing dead) MOOSEBLOOD: Just keep still. BARRY: What? You're not dead? MOOSEBLOOD: Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? BARRY: To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. MOOSEBLOOD: I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! ANOTHER BUG PLAYING DEAD: I'm going to Tacoma. (Barry looks at another bug) BARRY: - And you? MOOSEBLOOD: - He really is dead. BARRY: All right. (Another bug hits the windshield and the drivers notice. They activate the windshield wipers) MOOSEBLOOD== Uh-oh! (The windshield wipers are slowly sliding over the dead bugs and wiping
them off) BARRY: - What is that?! MOOSEBLOOD: - Oh, no! : - A wiper! Triple blade! BARRY: - Triple blade? MOOSEBLOOD: Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! (Mooseblood and Barry grab onto the wiper and they hold on as it wipes the windshield) Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! : How much do you people need to see?! (Bangs on windshield) : Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! RADIO IN TRUCK: From NPR News in Washington, I'm Carl Kasell. MOOSEBLOOD: But don't kill no more bugs! (Mooseblood and Barry are washed off by the wipr fluid) MOOSEBLOOD: - Bee! BARRY: - Moose blood guy!! (Barry starts screaming as he hangs onto the antenna) (Suddenly it is revealed that a water bug is also hanging on the antenna.
There is a pause and then Barry and the water bug both start screaming) TRUCK DRIVER: - You hear something? GUY IN TRUCK: - Like what? TRUCK DRIVER: Like tiny screaming. GUY IN TRUCK: Turn off the radio. (The antenna starts to lower until it gets to low and sinks into the truck. The water bug flies off and Barry is forced to let go and he is blown away. He luckily lands inside a horn on top of the truck where he finds Mooseblood, who was blown into the same place) MOOSEBLOOD: Whassup, bee boy? BARRY: Hey, Blood. (Fast forward in time and we see that Barry is deep in conversation with Mooseblood. They have been sitting in this truck for a while) BARRY: ...Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. MOOSEBLOOD: Wow! BARRY: I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. : I mean, that honey's ours. MOOSEBLOOD: - Bees hang tight. BARRY:

• We're all jammed in. : It's a close community. MOOSEBLOOD: Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. BARRY:
• What if you get in trouble? MOOSEBLOOD:
• You a mosquito, you in trouble. : Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! BARRY: At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. MOOSEBLOOD: Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. : Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. (An ambulance passes by and it has a blood donation sign on it) You got to be kidding me! : Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! (Mooseblood leaves and flies onto the window of the ambulance where there are other mosquito's hanging out) :
• Hey, guys! OTHER MOSQUITO:
• Mooseblood!

MOOSEBLOOD: I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? (The truck goes out of view and Barry notices that the truck he's on is pulling into a camp of some sort) TRUCK DRIVER: We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. (Barry flies out) BARRY: What is this place? BEEKEEPER 1#: A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. BEEKEEPER #2: They are pinheads! : Pinhead. : - Check out the new smoker. BEEKEEPER #1: - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. : The Thomas 3000! BARRY: Smoker? BEEKEEPER #1: Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. : A couple breaths of this knocks them right out.
BEEKEEPER #2: They make the honey, and we make the money. BARRY: "They make the honey, and we make the money"? (The Beekeeper sprays hundreds of cheap miniature apartments with the smoker. The bees are fainting or passing out) Oh, my! : What's going on? Are you OK? (Barry flies into one of the apartment and helps a Bee couple get off the ground. They are coughing and its hard for them to stand) BEE IN APARTMENT: Yeah. It doesn't last too long. BARRY: Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? BEE IN APPARTMENT: Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. (The apartment room is completely empty except for a photo on the wall of the "queen" who is obviously a man in women's clothes) BARRY: This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! : That's a drag queen! : What is this? (Barry flies out and he discovers that there are hundreds of these structures, each housing thousands of Bees) Oh, no! : There's hundreds of them! (Barry takes out his camera and takes pictures of these Bee work camps. The beekeepers look very evil in these depictions)
Bee honey. : Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! : This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. (Flash forward in time and Barry is showing these pictures to his parents) JANET: Oh, Barry, stop. MARTIN: Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. BARRY: Do these look like rumors? (Holds up the pictures) UNCLE CARL: That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. JANET: How did you get mixed up in this? ADAM: He's been talking to humans. JANET: - What? MARTIN: - Talking to humans?! ADAM: He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! JANET: Make out? Barry!
BARRY: We do not. ADAM: - You wish you could. MARTIN: - Whose side are you on? BARRY: The bees! UNCLE CARL: (He has been sitting in the back of the room this entire time) I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. JANET: Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? BARRY: I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! : Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked : your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. JANET: I remember that. BARRY: What right do they have to our honey? : We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!
ADAM: Even if it's true, what can one bee do? BARRY: Sting them where it really hurts. MARTIN: In the face! The eye! : - That would hurt. BARRY: - No. MARTIN: Up the nose? That's a killer. BARRY: There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. (Flash forward a bit in time and we are watching the Bee News) BEE NEWS NARRATOR: Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. BEE PROTESTOR: No more bee beards! BEE NEWS NARRATOR: With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. : Weather with Storm Stinger. : Sports with Buzz Larvi. : And Jeanette Chung. BOB BUMBLE: - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. JEANETTE CHUNG:

• And I'm Jeanette Chung. BOB BUMBLE: A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, : intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, : packaging it and profiting from it illegally! JEANETTE CHUNG: Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, : we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, : Classy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. (The scene changes to an interview on the news with Bee version of Larry King and Barry) BEE LARRY KING: Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. : Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? BARRY: Bees have never been afraid to change the world. : What about Bee Columbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? BEE LARRY KING: Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.
  : We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. BARRY: How old are you? BEE LARRY KING: The bee community is supporting you in this case, : which will be the trial of the bee century. BARRY: You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. BEE LARRY KING: It's a common name. Next week... BARRY: He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... BEE LARRY KING: Next week... BARRY: Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. BEE LARRY KING: Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here, live. (Bee Larry King gets annoyed and flies away offscreen) BARRY: Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. (Flash forward in time. We see Vanessa enter and Ken enters behind her. They are arguing)
  

KEN: In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! VANESSA: It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. KEN== Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? BARRY: (To Ken) Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. KEN: (Pointing at Barry) - Is that that same bee? VANESSA: - Yes, it is! : I'm helping him sue the human race. BARRY: - Hello. KEN: - Hello, bee. VANESSA: This is Ken. BARRY: (Recalling the "Winter Boots" incident earlier) Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. KEN: (To Vanessa) Why does he talk again? VANESSA:
Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. KEN: But it's our yogurt night! VANESSA: (Holding door open for Ken) Bye-bye. KEN: (Yelling) Why is yogurt night so difficult?! (Ken leaves and Vanessa walks over to Barry. His workplace is a mess) VANESSA: You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! BARRY: Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. ADAM: - Frosting... - How many sugars? ==BARRY== Just one. I try not to use the competition. : So why are you helping me? VANESSA: Bees have good qualities. : And it takes my mind off the shop. : Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. BARRY:
Those are great, if you're three. VANESSA: And artificial flowers. BARRY: - Oh, those just get me psychotic! VANESSA: - Yeah, me too. : BARRY: Bent stingers, pointless pollination. ADAM: Bees must hate those fake things! : Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. : Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. VANESSA: - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. BARRY: - I guess. ADAM: You sure you want to go through with it? BARRY: Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able : to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! (Flash forward in time and we are watching the human news. The camera shows
a crowd outside a courthouse) NEWS REPORTER: It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, : where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, : we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. (We are no longer watching through a news camera) ADAM: What have we gotten into here, Barry? BARRY: It's pretty big, isn't it? ADAM== (Looking at the hundreds of people around the courthouse) I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. BARRY: You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? SECURITY GUARD: Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. (A limousine drives up and a fat man,Layton Montgomery, a honey industry owner gets out and walks past Barry) ADAM: - What's the matter? BARRY: - I don't know, I just got a chill. (Fast forward in time and everyone is in the court) MONTGOMERY: Well, if it isn't the bee team.
(To Honey Industry lawyers) You boys work on this? MAN: All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. JUDGE BUMBLETON: All right. Case number 4475, : Superior Court of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry : is now in session. : Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? MONTGOMERY: A privilege. JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? (Everyone looks closely, they are waiting to see if a Bee can really talk) (Barry makes several buzzing sounds to sound like a Bee) BARRY: I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. JUDGE BUMBLBETON: Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. MONTGOMERY: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, : my grandmother was a simple woman. :
Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right : to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. : If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, : just think of what would it mean. : I would have to negotiate with the silkworm : for the elastic in my britches! : Talking bee! (Montgomery walks over and looks closely at Barry) : How do we know this isn't some sort of : holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? : They could be using laser beams! : Robotics! Ventriloquism! Cloning! For all we know, : he could be on steroids! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Benson?
BARRY: Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. : I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. : It's important to all bees. We invented it! : We make it. And we protect it with our lives. : Unfortunately, there are some people in this room : who think they can take it from us : 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, : you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have : but everything we are! JANET== (To Martin) I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Call your first witness. BARRY: So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have. KLAUSS VANDERHAYDEN: I suppose so. BARRY: I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! KLAUSS: Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. BARRY: Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. : I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? KLAUSS: (Quietly) - No. BARRY: - I couldn't hear you. KLAUSS: - No. BARRY: - No. : Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, : it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. KLAUSS: They're very lovable creatures.
: Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. BARRY: You mean like this? (The bear from Over The Hedge barges in through the back door and it is roaring and standing on its hind legs. It is thrashing its claws and people are screaming. It is being held back by a guard who has the bear on a chain) : (Pointing to the roaring bear) Bears kill bees! : How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! : Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! JUDGE BUMBLETON: OK, that's enough. Take him away. (The bear stops roaring and thrashing and walks out) BARRY: So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. : - Where have I heard it before? MR. STING: - I was with a band called The Police. BARRY: But you've never been a police officer, have you? STING: No, I haven't. BARRY:
No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example : of bee culture casually stolen by a human : for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. STING: Oh, please. BARRY: Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? : Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. : Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! MONTGOMERY: That's not his real name?! You idiots! BARRY: Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on : your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. RAY LIOTTA: Thank you. Thank you. BARRY: I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome : with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow. RAY LIOTTA: I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? BARRY: Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? : Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't : have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? RAY LIOTTA: Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! BARRY: This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! (Ray Liotta looses it and tries to grab Barry) RAY LIOTTA: Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! JUDGE BUMBLETON: - Order in this court! RAY LIOTTA: - You're all thinking it! (Judge Bumbleton starts banging her gavel) JUDGE BUMBLETON: Order! Order, I say! RAY LIOTTA: - Say it! MAN:

• Mr. Liotta, please sit down! (We see a montage of magazines which feature the court case) (Flash forward in time and Barry is back home with Vanessa) BARRY: I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. VANESSA: I think the jury's on our side. BARRY: Are we doing everything right,you know, legally? VANESSA: I'm a florist. BARRY: Right. Well, here's to a great team. VANESSA: To a great team! (Ken walks in from work. He sees Barry and he looks upset when he sees Barry clinking his glass with Vanessa) KEN: Well, hello. VANESSA:
• Oh, Ken! BARRY:
• Hello! VANESSA: I didn't think you were coming. : No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... (Ken holds up his phone and flips it open. The phone has no charge) ...the battery... VANESSA:

I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. KEN: Oh, that was lucky. (Ken sits down at the table across from Barry and Vanessa leaves the room) VANESSA: There's a little left. I could heat it up. KEN: (Not taking his eyes off Barry) Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. BARRY: So I hear you're quite a tennis player. : I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. KEN: That's where I usually sit. Right... (Points to where Barry is sitting) there. VANESSA: (Calling from other room) Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, : and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. KEN: (To Barry) You think I don't see what you're doing? BARRY: I know how hard it is to find the right job. We have that in common.
KEN: Do we? BARRY: Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. KEN: (Menacingly) That's just what I was thinking about doing. (Ken reaches for a fork on the table but knocks if on the floor. He goes to pick it up) VANESSA: Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. (Ken quickly rises back up after hearing this but hits his head on the table and yells) BARRY: I'm going to drain the old stinger. KEN: Yeah, you do that. (Barry flies past Ken to get to the bathroom and Ken freaks out, splashing some of the wine he was using to cool his head in his eyes. He yells in anger) (Barry looks at the magazines featuring his victories in court) BARRY: Look at that. (Barry flies into the bathroom) (He puts his hand on his head but this makes hurts him and makes him even madder. He yells again) (Barry is washing his hands in the sink but then Ken walks in) KEN: You know, you know I've just about had it (Closes bathroom door behind him) with your little mind games. (Ken is menacingly rolling up a magazine) BARRY:
(Backing away) - What's that? KEN: - Italian Vogue. BARRY: Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. KEN: It's a lot of ads. BARRY: Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? KEN: That's funny, I just can't seem to recall that! (Ken smashes everything off the sink with the magazine and Barry narrowly escapes) (Ken follows Barry around and tries to hit him with the magazine but he keeps missing) (Ken gets a spray bottle) : I think something stinks in here! BARRY: (Enjoying the spray) I love the smell of flowers. (Ken holds a lighter in front of the spray bottle) KEN: How do you like the smell of flames?! BARRY: Not as much. (Ken fires his make-shift flamethrower but misses Barry, burning the bathroom. He torches the whole room but looses his footing and falls into the bathtub. After getting hit in the head by falling objects 3 times he picks up the shower head, revealing a Water bug hiding under it) WATER BUG: Water bug! Not taking sides!
(Barry gets up out of a pile of bathroom supplies and he is wearing a chapstick hat) BARRY: Ken, I'm wearing a Chapstick hat! This is pathetic! (Ken switches the shower head to lethal) KEN: I've got issues! (Ken sprays Barry with the shower head and he crash lands into the toilet) (Ken menacingly looks down into the toilet at Barry) Well, well, well, a royal flush! BARRY: - You're bluffing. KEN: - Am I? (flushes toilet) (Barry grabs a chapstick from the toilet seat and uses it to surf in the flushing toilet) BARRY: Surf's up, dude! (Barry flies out of the toilet on the chapstick and sprays Ken's face with the toilet water) : EW,Poo water! BARRY: That bowl is gnarly. KEN: (Aiming a toilet cleaner at Barry) Except for those dirty yellow rings! (Barry cowers and covers his head and Vanessa runs in and takes the toilet cleaner from Ken just before he hits Barry) VANESSA: Kenneth! What are you doing?! KEN== (Leaning towards Barry)
You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! VANESSA: We need to talk! (Vanessa pulls Ken out of the bathroom) : He's just a little bee! : And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! KEN: Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? VANESSA: No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! KEN: Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... : My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! VANESSA: Goodbye, Ken. (Ken huffs and walks out and slams the door. But suddenly he walks back in and stares at Barry) : And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners MADE BY MAN! (Ken leaves again and Vanessa leans in towards Barry) VANESSA: I'm sorry about all that. (Ken walks back in again)
KEN: I know it's got an aftertaste! I LIKE IT! (Ken leaves for the last time) VANESSA: I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. : I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. : Are you OK for the trial? BARRY: I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. (Flash forward in time and Barry, Adam, and Vanessa are back in court) MONTGOMERY-- We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. ADAM: Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... (Barry stares at Adam) ...Yeah. LAWYER: Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. MONTGOMERY: Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around : is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. (To lawyer)

• You got the tweezers? LAWYER:
• Are you allergic? MONTGOMERY: Only to losing, son. Only to losing. : Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. : What exactly is your relationship (Points to Vanessa) : to that woman? BARRY: We're friends. MONTGOMERY:
• Good friends? BARRY:
• Yes. MONTGOMERY: How good? Do you live together? ADAM: Wait a minute... : MONTGOMERY: Are you her little... : ...bedbug? (Adam's stinger starts vibrating. He is agitated) I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand,
  : doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? BARRY:
  
• Yeah, but... MONTGOMERY: (Pointing at Janet and Martin)
  
• So those aren't your real parents! JANET:
  
• Oh, Barry... BARRY:
  
• Yes, they are! ADAM: Hold me back! (Vanessa tries to hold Adam back. He wants to sting Montgomery) MONTGOMERY: You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? ADAM: He's denouncing bees! MONTGOMERY: Don't y'all date your cousins? (Montgomery leans over on the jury stand and stares at Adam) VANESSA:
  
• Objection! (Vanessa raises her hand to object but Adam gets free. He flies straight at Montgomery) =ADAM:
  
• I'm going to pincushion this guy! BARRY: Adam, don't! It's what he wants! (Adam stings Montgomery in the butt and he starts thrashing around)
  

MONTGOMERY: Oh, I'm hit!! : Oh, lordy, I am hit! JUDGE BUMBLETON: (Banging gavel) Order! Order! MONTGOMERY: (Overreacting) The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! : I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! : You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! : Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! BARRY: - Adam, stay with me. ADAM: - I can't feel my legs. MONTGOMERY: (Overreacting and throwing his body around the room) What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison : from my heaving buttocks? JUDGE BUMLBETON: I will have order in this court. Order!
: Order, please! (Flash forward in time and we see a human news reporter) NEWS REPORTER: The case of the honeybees versus the human race : took a pointed turn against the bees : yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. (Adam is laying in a hospital bed and Barry flies in to see him) BARRY: - Hey, buddy. ADAM: - Hey. BARRY: - Is there much pain? ADAM: - Yeah. : I... : I blew the whole case, didn't I? BARRY: It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. ADAM: I'd be better off dead. Look at me. (A small plastic sword is replaced as Adam's stinger) They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.
: Look, there's a little celery still on it. (Flicks off the celery and sighs) BARRY: What was it like to sting someone? ADAM: I can't explain it. It was all... : All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! BARRY: ...All right. ADAM: You think it was all a trap? BARRY: Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. : What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. ADAM: What will the humans do to us if they win? BARRY: I don't know. ADAM: I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. BARRY: Adam, they check in, but they don't check out!
ADAM: Oh, my. (Coughs) Could you get a nurse to close that window? BARRY: - Why? ADAM: - The smoke. (We can see that two humans are smoking cigarettes outside) : Bees don't smoke. BARRY: Right. Bees don't smoke. : Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. : That's it! That's our case! ADAM: It is? It's not over? BARRY: Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. : Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. (Flash forward in time and Adam is making a paper boat in the courtroom) ADAM: And assuming you've done step 29 correctly, you're ready for the tub! (We see that the jury have each made their own paper boats after being taught how by Adam. They all look confused) JUDGE BUMBLETON:
Mr. Flayman. ADAM: Yes? Yes, Your Honor! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Where is the rest of your team? ADAM: (Continues stalling) Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. : Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, : and as a result, we don't make very good time. : I actually heard a funny story about... MONTGOMERY: Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs : taken up enough of this court's valuable time? : How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? : They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges : against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. : I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going : to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. ADAM: But you can't! We have a terrific case. MONTGOMERY: Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? : Show me the smoking gun! BARRY: (Barry flies in through the door) Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? : Here is your smoking gun. (Vanessa walks in holding a bee smoker. She sets it down on the Judge's podium) JUDGE BUMBLETON: What is that? BARRY: It's a bee smoker! MONTGOMERY: (Picks up smoker) What, this? This harmless little contraption? : This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. (Montgomery accidentally fires it at the bees in the crowd and they faint
and cough) (Dozens of reporters start taking pictures of the suffering bees) BARRY: Look at what has happened : to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" : Is this what nature intended for us? : To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines : and man-made wooden slat work camps? : Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? (Barry points to the honey industry owners. One of them is an African American so he awkwardly separates himself from the others) LAWYER: - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. BARRY: Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! ADAM AND VANESSA: Free the bees! Free the bees! BEES IN CROWD: Free the bees! HUMAN JURY: Free the bees! Free the bees! JUDGE BUMBLETON: The court finds in favor of the bees!
BARRY: Vanessa, we won! VANESSA: I knew you could do it! High-five! (Vanessa hits Barry hard because her hand is too big) : Sorry. BARRY: (Overjoyed) I'm OK! You know what this means? : All the honey will finally belong to the bees. : Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. MONTGOMERY: This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. : You'll regret this. (Montgomery leaves and Barry goes outside the courtroom. Several reporters start asking Barry questions) REPORTER 1#: Barry, how much honey is out there? BARRY: All right. One at a time. REPORTER 2#: Barry, who are you wearing? BARRY: My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants.
(Barry flies outside with the paparazzi and Adam and Vanessa stay back) ADAM: (To Vanessa) - What if Montgomery's right? Vanessa: - What do you mean? ADAM: We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. (Flash forward in time and Barry is talking to a man) BUSINESS MAN: Congratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? BARRY: First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. (As Barry is talking we see a montage of men putting "closed" tape over the work camps and freeing the bees in the crappy apartments) Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, : every last drop. (Men in suits are pushing all the honey of the aisle and into carts) We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more (We see a statue of a bear-shaped honey container being pulled down by bees) than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. : We're all aware of what they do in the woods. (We see Winnie the Pooh sharing his honey with Piglet in the cross-hairs of a high-tech sniper rifle) BARRY: (Looking through binoculars)
Wait for my signal. : Take him out. (Winnie gets hit by a tranquilizer dart and dramatically falls off the log he was standing on, his tongue hanging out. Piglet looks at Pooh in fear and the Sniper takes the honey.) SNIPER: He'll have nausea for a few hours, then he'll be fine. (Flash forward in time) BARRY: And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... (Mr. Sting is sitting at home until he is taken out of his house by the men in suits) STING: But it's just a prance-about stage name! BARRY: ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products : and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. (An old lady is mixing honey into her tea but suddenly men in suits smash her face down on the table and take the honey) OLD LADY: Can't breathe. (A honey truck pulls up to Barry's hive) WORKER: Bring it in, boys! : Hold it right there! Good. : Tap it.
(Tons of honey is being pumped into the hive's storage) BEE WORKER 1#: (Honey overflows from the cup) Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! : - I think we need to shut down! =BEE WORKER #2= - Shut down? We've never shut down. : Shut down honey production! DEAN BUZZWELL: Stop making honey! (The bees all leave their stations. Two bees run into a room and they put the keys into a machine) Turn your key, sir! (Two worker bees dramatically turn their keys, which opens the button which they press, shutting down the honey-making machines. This is the first time this has ever happened) BEE: ...What do we do now? (Flash forward in time and a Bee is about to jump into a pool full of honey) Cannonball! (The bee gets stuck in the honey and we get a short montage of Bees leaving work) (We see the Pollen Jocks flying but one of them gets a call on his antenna) LOU LU DUVA: (Through "phone") We're shutting honey production! : Mission abort. POLLEN JOCK #1: Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. (The Pollen Jocks fly back to the hive)
(We get a time lapse of Central Park slowly wilting away as the bees all relax) BARRY: Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. ADAM: Oh, yeah? BARRY: What's going on? Where is everybody? (The entire street is deserted) : - Are they out celebrating? ADAM: - They're home. : They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. : I heard your Uncle Carl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. BARRY: At least we got our honey back. ADAM: Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? : It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. : This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. :
And now... : Now I can't. (Flash forward in time and Barry is talking to Vanessa) BARRY: I don't understand why they're not happy. : I thought their lives would be better! : They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. VANESSA: You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? BARRY: - What did you want to show me? (Vanessa takes Barry to the rooftop where they first had coffee and points to her store) VANESSA: - This. (Points at her flowers. They are all grey and wilting) BARRY: What happened here? VANESSA: That is not the half of it. (Small flash forward in time and Vanessa and Barry are on the roof of her store and she points to Central Park) (We see that Central Park is no longer green and colorful, rather it is grey, brown, and dead-like. It is very depressing to look at) BARRY: Oh, no. Oh, my. :
They're all wilting. VANESSA: Doesn't look very good, does it? BARRY: No. VANESSA: And whose fault do you think that is? BARRY: You know, I'm gonna guess bees. VANESSA== (Staring at Barry) Bees? BARRY: Specifically, me. : I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. VANESSA: It's not just flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. BARRY: That's our whole SAT test right there. VANESSA: Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. : And then, of course... BARRY: The human species? : So if there's no more pollination,
: it could all just go south here, couldn't it? VANESSA: I know this is also partly my fault. BARRY: How about a suicide pact? VANESSA: How do we do it? BARRY: - I'll sting you, you step on me. VANESSA: - That just kills you twice. BARRY: Right, right. VANESSA: Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. (Vanessa leaves) BARRY: (To himself) I had to open my mouth and talk. : Vanessa? : Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? (Vanessa is getting into a taxi) VANESSA: To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. :
They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. : It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. BARRY: Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. VANESSA: I know. Me neither. (The taxi starts to drive away) BARRY: Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. : Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? : Roses! : Vanessa! (Barry flies after the Taxi) VANESSA: Roses?! : Barry? (Barry is flying outside the window of the taxi) BARRY: - Roses are flowers! VANESSA: - Yes, they are. BARRY: Flowers, bees, pollen!
VANESSA: I know. That's why this is the last parade. BARRY: Maybe not. Could you ask him to slow down? VANESSA: Could you slow down? (The taxi driver screeches to a stop and Barry keeps flying forward) : Barry! (Barry flies back to the window) BARRY: OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. VANESSA: Yes, it kind of is. BARRY: I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you : with the flower shop. I've made it worse. VANESSA: Actually, it's completely closed down. BARRY: I thought maybe you were remodeling. : But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. VANESSA: I don't want to hear it!
BARRY: All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. : I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. : All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. : - Bees. VANESSA: - Park. BARRY: - Pollen! VANESSA: - Flowers. BARRY: - Re-pollination! VANESSA: - Across the nation! : Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, California. : They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. : Security will be tight. BARRY: I have an idea.
(Flash forward in time. Vanessa is about to board a plane which has all the Roses on board. VANESSA: Vanessa Bloome, FTD. (Holds out badge) : Official floral business. It's real. SECURITY GUARD: Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. =VANESSA== Thank you. It was a gift. (Barry is revealed to be hiding inside the brooch) (Flash back in time and Barry and Vanessa are discussing their plan) BARRY: Once inside, we just pick the right float. VANESSA: How about The Princess and the Pea? : I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! BARRY: Yes, I got it. : - Where should I sit? GUARD: - What are you? BARRY: - I believe I'm the pea. GUARD: - The pea? VANESSA:
It goes under the mattresses. GUARD: - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. VANESSA: You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! : Let's see what this baby'll do. (Vanessa drives the float through traffic) GUARD: Hey, what are you doing?! BARRY== Then all we do is blend in with traffic... : ...without arousing suspicion. : Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. (Flash forward in time and Barry and Vanessa are about to get on a plane) SECURITY GUARD: Stop! Security. : - You and your insect pack your float? VANESSA: - Yes. SECURITY GUARD: Has it been in your possession the entire time? VANESSA: - Yes.
SECURITY GUARD: Would you remove your shoes? (To Barry) - Remove your stinger. BARRY: - It's part of me. SECURITY GUARD: I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. (Barry plotting with Vanessa) BARRY: Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. (Flash forward in time and Barry and Vanessa are flying on the plane) Can you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! VANESSA: I think this is gonna work. BARRY: It's got to work. CAPTAIN SCOTT: (On intercom) Attention, passengers, this is Captain Scott. : We have a bit of bad weather in New York. : It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. VANESSA: Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. BARRY:
I gotta get up there and talk to them. VANESSA== Be careful. (Barry flies right outside the cockpit door) BARRY: Can I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. (The flight attendant opens the door and walks out and Barry flies into the cockpit unseen) BARRY: Captain, I'm in a real situation. CAPTAIN SCOTT: - What'd you say, Hal? CO-PILOT HAL: - Nothing. (Scott notices Barry and freaks out) CAPTAIN SCOTT: Bee! BARRY: No,no,no, Don't freak out! My entire species... (Captain Scott gets out of his seat and tries to suck Barry into a handheld vacuum) HAL: (To Scott) What are you doing? (Barry lands on Hals hair but Scott sees him. He tries to suck up Barry but instead he sucks up Hals toupee) CAPTAIN SCOTT: Uh-oh. BARRY: - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
HAL: (Hal doesn't know Barry is on his head) - Who's an attorney? CAPTAIN SCOTT: Don't move. (Scott hits Hal in the face with the vacuum in an attempt to hit Barry. Hal is knocked out and he falls on the life raft button which launches an infalatable boat into Scott, who gets knocked out and falls to the floor. They are both uncounscious.) BARRY: (To himself) Oh, Barry. BARRY: (On intercom, with a Southern accent) Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. : Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? (Vanessa looks confused) (Normal accent) ...And please hurry! (Vanessa opens the door and sees the life raft and the uncounscious pilots) VANESSA: What happened here? BARRY: I tried to talk to them, but then there was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. : Now one's bald, one's in a boat, and they're both unconscious! VANESSA: ...Is that another bee joke? BARRY:

• No! : No one's flying the plane! BUD DITCHWATER: (Through radio on plane) This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? VANESSA: This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. BUD: Where's the pilot? VANESSA: He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. BUD: Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? BARRY: As a matter of fact, there is. BUD:
• Who's that? BARRY:
• Barry Benson. BUD: From the honey trial?! Oh, great. BARRY: Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. : It's got giant wings, huge engines.

VANESSA: I can't fly a plane. BARRY: - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? VANESSA: - Yes. BARRY: How hard could it be? (Vanessa sits down and flies for a little bit but we see lightning clouds outside the window) VANESSA: Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. (An ominous lightning storm looms in front of the plane) (We are now watching the Bee News) BOB BUMBLE: This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, : where a suspenseful scene is developing. : Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... ADAM: That's Barry! BOB BUMBLE: ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers : and an incapacitated flight crew. JANET, MARTIN, UNCLE CAR AND ADAM: Flowers?! (The scene switches to the human news)
REPORTER: (Talking with Bob Bumble) We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls : with absolutely no flight experience. BOB BUMBLE: Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. BUD: I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. : They've done enough damage. REPORTER: But isn't he your only hope? BUD: Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. : Their wings are too small... BARRY: (Through radio) Haven't we heard this a million times? : "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense."... BOB BUMBLE: - Get this on the air! BEE: - Got it.
BEE NEWS CREW: - Stand by. BEE NEWS CREW: - We're going live! BARRY: (Through radio on TV) ...The way we work may be a mystery to you. : Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. : But let me tell you about a small job. : If you do it well, it makes a big difference. : More than we realized. To us, to everyone. : That's why I want to get bees back to working together. : That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. : We get behind a fellow. : - Black and yellow! BEES: - Hello! (The scene switches and Barry is teaching Vanessa how to fly) BARRY:
Left, right, down, hover. VANESSA: - Hover? BARRY: - Forget hover. VANESSA: This isn't so hard. (Pretending to honk the horn) Beep-beep! Beep-beep! (A Lightning bolt hits the plane and autopilot turns off) Barry, what happened?! BARRY: Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. VANESSA: - That may have been helping me. BARRY: - And now we're not! VANESSA: So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. (The plane plummets but we see Lou Lu Duva and the Pollen Jocks, along with multiple other bees flying towards the plane) Lou Lu DUva: All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! : Move out! (The scene switches back to Vanessa and Barry in the plane) BARRY: Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! (Barry sticks out his arms like an airplane and flys in front of Vanessa's face)
VANESSA: Don't have to yell. BARRY: I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. VANESSA: It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! BARRY: It's not a tone. I'm panicking! VANESSA: I can't do this! (Barry slaps Vanessa) BARRY: Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! VANESSA: (Slaps Barry) You snap out of it. BARRY: (Slaps Vanessa) : You snap out of it. VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it! (We see that all the Pollen Jocks are flying under the plane) VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it!
VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it! VANESSA: - Hold it! BARRY: - Why? Come on, it's my turn. VANESSA: How is the plane flying? (The plane is now safely flying) VANESSA: I don't know. (Barry's antennae rings like a phone. Barry picks up) BARRY: Hello? LOU LU DUVA: (Through "phone") Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? (All of the Pollen Jocks are carrying the plane) BARRY: The Pollen Jocks! : They do get behind a fellow. LOU LU DUVA: - Black and yellow. POLLEN JOCKS: - Hello. LOU LU DUVA: All right, let's drop this tin can
on the blacktop. BARRY: Where? I can't see anything. Can you? VANESSA: No, nothing. It's all cloudy. : Come on. You got to think bee, Barry. BARRY: - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. (On the runway there are millions of bees laying on their backs) BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! BARRY: Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. VANESSA: - What? BARRY: - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. : Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. : Bring the nose down. BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! CONTROL TOWER OPERATOR: - What in the world is on the tarmac? BUD: - Get some lights on that!
(It is revealed that all the bees are organized into a giant pulsating flower formation) BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! BARRY: - Vanessa, aim for the flower. VANESSA: - OK. BARRY: Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? LOU LU DUVA: Affirmative! BARRY: Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. : Land on that flower! : Ready? Full reverse! : Spin it around! (The plane's nose is pointed at a flower painted on a nearby plane) - Not that flower! The other one! VANESSA: - Which one? BARRY: - That flower. (The plane is now pointed at a fat guy in a flowered shirt. He freaks out and tries to take a picture of the plane) VANESSA: - I'm aiming at the flower!
BARRY: That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! (The plane hovers over the bee-flower) : Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. : Rotate around it. VANESSA: - This is insane, Barry! BARRY: - This's the only way I know how to fly. BUD: Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? (The plane is unrealistically hovering and spinning over the bee-flower) BARRY: Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! : Just drop it. Be a part of it. : Aim for the center! : Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! : Come on, already. (The bees scatter and the plane safely lands) VANESSA: Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly!
BARRY: - Yes! (Vanessa is about to high-five Barry) No high-five! VANESSA: - Right. ADAM: Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? BARRY: What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! ADAM: - Thank you. BARRY: - But we're not done yet. : Listen, everyone! : This runway is covered with the last pollen : from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. : That means this is our last chance. : We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. : If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say?
: Are we going to be bees, or just Museum of Natural History keychains? BEES: We're bees! BEE WHO LIKES KEYCHAINS: Keychain! BARRY: Then follow me! Except Keychain. POLLEN JOCK #1: Hold on, Barry. Here. : You've earned this. BARRY: Yeah! : I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. (The Pollen Jocks throw Barry a nectar-collecting gun. Barry catches it) Oh, yeah. JANET: That's our Barry. (Barry and the Pollen Jocks get pollen from the flowers on the plane) (Flash forward in time and the Pollen Jocks are flying over NYC) : (Barry pollinates the flowers in Vanessa's shop and then heads to Central Park) BOY IN PARK: Mom! The bees are back! ADAM: (Putting on his Krelman hat) If anybody needs
to make a call, now's the time. : I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! (The bee honey factories are back up and running) (Meanwhile at Vanessa's shop) VANESSA: (To customer) Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Can I help who's next? : Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. (There is a room in the shop where Barry does legal work for other animals. He is currently talking with a Cow) COW: Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! : Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! BARRY: I had no idea. VANESSA: Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? BARRY: Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. MOOSEBLOOD: Sorry I'm late. COW: He's a lawyer too?
MOOSEBLOOD: Ma'am, I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. VANESSA: Have a great afternoon! : Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. BARRY: No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. VANESSA: You're a lifesaver, Barry. Can I help who's next? BARRY: All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. VANESSA: Thank you, Barry! (Ken walks by on the sidewalk and sees the "bee-approved honey" in Vanessa's shop) KEN: That bee is living my life!! ANDY: Let it go, Kenny. KEN: - When will this nightmare end?! ANDY: - Let it all go. BARRY: - Beautiful day to fly. POLLEN JOCK:

• Sure is. BARRY: Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. (Barry recreates the scene near the beginning of the movie where he flies through the box kite. The movie fades to black and the credits being) [--after credits; No scene can be seen but the characters can be heard talking over the credits--] You have got to start thinking bee, my friend! :
• Thinking bee!
• Me? BARRY: (Talking over singer) Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. : I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Can we stop here? SINGER: Oh, BarryBARRY: I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! SINGER: All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. BARRY: I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

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Victor sat at his kitchen table and stared at the tablet in his hand as he blew on his morning coffee. It had been a busy week, setting up areas for construction with enough room for the nano-forge, then using it to build auto-factories to build more mining drones and more forge spiders to gather more resources and clear out more areas.
Thus far he had Ingot Storage 1 complete and the forge spiders pathed to bring back and sort them. Then Hydroponics 1 was complete, the auto-farmers were programmed and with any luck in about six weeks he’d have wheat, oats, barley, corn, beans, rice, cabbage, potatoes, tomatoes, okra, mushrooms, squash, and many more fruits and vegetables.
Today he was working on Meat Lab 1. Set up was pretty straight forward, the equipment and power were in place, and the specimens were brought from dimensional storage to the grow labs, it was just the pathing necessary to cultivate, harvest and can the meats. His budget was limited here, he had chicken, beef, and pork cultures, and that was it.
Who would have thought his life savings, his parents life savings, and the sale of his ancestral home still couldn’t get him everything he wanted to start a new life on a colony world? He tapped his tablet a few more times before he was satisfied with the pathing, he pretty much copied it over from Hydro 1, they both canned the food in the end anyways.
He then checked on his mining drones, they were busy little beavers, and had found a remarkable amount of usable materials. More than even the satellite estimated for this location, he sent a few of them two days ago to cut a shaft down to the petroleum reserves, it appears that they had indeed succeeded in locating it.
He brought up the auto-factories that he had built from the nano-forge, numbers three and seven were idle, so he started constructing hauler drones to pump the raw petroleum into their internal tanks and then bring them up to Storage 1, where they can unload into new tanks. This will solve my plastics issue… I hope.
Yup, everything was going smoothly. Even if he never made it back to the empire, at least here he could have a little piece of it, with all the modern conveniences he was used to. “Screw living in places like Wuzhen. They didn’t even have indoor plumbing!” He muttered as his attention was brought to a notification on his tablet. INTRUDER ALERT. ____________ Pan ran as though her life depended on it. Well, actually it did, for the instinctive Ox-Kin that were chasing her would kill and eat her if she were caught. Being Rabbit-Kin her small and agile frame allowed her speed and maneuverability, but the Ox-Kin instinctuals didn’t have to run around trees, they could just push them aside!
Her wagon and all her goods were lost, she was dirty and scared. There was a clearing up ahead and her heart dropped, nowhere to hide, and the stream would slow her down, she was trapped now! She frantically looked from left to right as she continued to run, looking for some way out as the Ox-Kin roared behind her tearing up the ground as their razor sharp hoofs slammed into the ground.
She heard a sound as if there were thunderstorm raging, but it did not end, it simply got louder. She looked up in time to see a black figure on wings of fire plunge towards the ground. She didn’t stop, if it would distract the instinctuals then she would use it to her advantage and hopefully escape this terrible fate.
Suddenly she heard a sound as if someone were rubbing the rim of a meditation bowl, only hundreds of times louder, then screams of pain, several thuds, and then silence. She turned her head to see the black figure stand upright and to her astonishment, all the Ox-Kin were down.
No, not down, dead. Cut in half, obviously in mid gallop for the halves of their bodies were separated by meters. She slowed to take in the strange figure, its helmet magically disappeared behind him, showing a foreign face with short cropped black hair and eyes she had only seen on portraits of the Eternal Empress. _____________ “It’s ok, they’re all dead now. Waste of good beef if you ask me, but it’s a little too close to cannibalism for me. Had enough corpo-starch in the guard to last me a lifetime.” He said as she stopped to take a breath. He slowly started walking over to her.
Pan backed up, rather involuntarily, as this man had just slaughtered half a dozen instinctual Ox-Kin in the blink of an eye.
“Whoa, calm down, not gonna hurt you. Just want to ask you a few questions, I’m Victor by the way, what’s your name?” He asked, hands out to show he meant no harm.
Pan finally caught enough wind to take her hands off her thighs and straighten up, one of her bunny ears fell across her face, a sign of how exhausted she truly was. “I’m… Pan… Sorry, still trying to catch my breath.”
The strange man cocked his head to the side and she noticed it wasn’t just a helm he had been wearing, At first she thought he was wearing all black clothing, but it was actually armor, very intricate armor. “Are you a cultivator? I’ve never seen a male cultivator before.”
Victor chuckled, “I’ve been getting that a lot lately. The answer is… complicated. Now, about those questions. Shall we walk back to your home while I ask?”
Pan shook her head, “The only home I had was my wagon. I was a trader who bought and sold goods. The instinctuals destroyed it while I was gathering water. I heard my Ox bellow and when I came up from the stream it was being eaten, the wagon destroyed, my wares nothing more than shredded trash.” She looked down and started to cry as the realization that she had just lost everything took hold.
Victor put on his officers face, oh boy. Here come the water works. “Shh, calm down, it’s only a wagon. It’s a thing, and things can be replaced.”
She looked up to him and lowered her hands, “Perhaps to a powerful cultivator, but I am but a lowly peasant girl. I will have to sell my self on the streets to eat now!” She buried her face back into her hands and wailed.
“Oh for Emperors sakes!” Victor thought as he scooped the small woman up in his arms. This prompted a sharp “Eeek!” From her as he activated his jump jets. _____________ Pan was terrified. Rabbit-Kin were not made for flying. The strange cultivator had scooped her up in his arms as though she were a small child and launched them into the air. She tried to scream, but the air screeching by her face seemed to carry the noise away. Though she doubted anyone could have heard over fire erupting from his wings.
Suddenly they landed and she was set down. She looked around and saw they were on a ledge, far up the mountain where the Ox-Kin had chased her. The ledge had a metal rail all the way around it but she saw no way to reach it other than flight.
The strange man must have brought his helmet back up before they launched into the air, because he had it up now. He turned to the mountain and it split open before him! After retracting his helm he simply said, “Follow me, since you don’t have a home, I’ll bring you to mine.”
She followed him into the mountain, expecting it to be dark and cold, but to her surprise it was warm and light shown down from the ceiling as if it were daylight! The walls were smooth stone, and after a few meters in the mountain closed behind them, only it seemed to do it twice, once inside and once outside.
She continued to walk until they came to a strange door with a wheel in the center. The cultivator spun the wheel and opened the metal door. She had never seen so much worked metal in all her days. Even the blacksmith shops lacked the amount, or skill she saw here.
After she entered into a small chamber, Victor closed the door behind them and walked to a strange outcropping on the wall and turned around. The armor up close was neither new nor perfect, she saw dints and dings, and scorch marks in places. Then she jumped back as it split in half and Victor stepped out in nothing more than short pants covering his man-hood.
She blushed and diverted her eyes, but not before noticing the rippling muscles, scar tissue, and little round metal discs at regular intervals all over his body. He covered himself with a very plush white robe and slippers before opening another door that was identical to the first. “Should I wear slippers as well, Master Cultivator?”
Victor looked back, “That won’t be necessary, the cleaning drones will handle any mess we cause.” Pan pondered on what a drone was. A servant perhaps? Was that why he brought me here, to be one of his servants? Or was it something else? Oh no, she mentioned having to sell herself, did he expect her to be one of his mistresses? She wouldn’t be opposed, for he was a handsome man, but what kin was he?
She almost missed what was said next. “This is my humble abode, you’re welcome to stay here for a time while I get my bearings on this land.” Victor said as he walked over to the table and picked up a piece of see-through glass. Magical runes and pictures flared into existence as he tapped at it before setting it back down.
Pan could barely speak. This place was what she would expect in the Imperial palace. There was no kang, or open fire, but it was the perfect temperature and humidity. She saw a large couch, tables, chairs, cabinets of wood, a countertop with a strange steel bowl and what looked as if it were a well pump above it.
The back wall had multiple doors, the two that were open showed one to be a bed room, with a huge bed, the other was tiled with a white chair, it almost looked like a throne? How strange she thought as she peered into the room to see a chamber of fogged glass also inside the room.
Victor noticed her curiosity, “That is the bathroom. Come here, I’ll show you.”
Pan followed Victor into the bathroom as he demonstrated the toilet, explaining rather embarrassingly how it worked and how to use it, he then showed her the glass chamber with the odd steel handles.
“This one is hot, and this one is cold, you turn them both on until you get the temperature just right to clean yourself. On the wall there is liquid soap, shampoo, and conditioner, though I keep my hair close, so the conditioner wouldn’t be as necessary as say someone with your long hair.” He explained.
Pan was shocked as the saw the stream of water pouring from the wall. What manner of magic was this? “I have never seen a male cultivator, but it is known they are master craftsmen, can you all create such magical wonders?”
Victor shrugged, “No idea, I’ve never met another, uh, male cultivator.”
Pan considered, “Could I, maybe use this chamber to clean up? This mornings activities have left me a little soiled.”
Victor nodded, “Of course.” He reached into a small cabinet and produced a large piece of fluffy cloth and placed it on another steel rail outside the chamber. Before placing a smaller version of it inside the chamber on a rack. Finally he reached back into the cabinet and produced a robe much like he was wearing and placed it on a hook behind the door.
He then pointed to the small one inside the chamber, “That is a wash cloth to clean yourself with the soap, use the shampoo here on your hair, and then after rinsing it out, rub the conditioner in and let it sit a bit before finally rinsing it out. Then dry yourself off with this towel, and put on the robe I placed on the door.”
Pan nodded, “What will you do with my clothes after I remove them?”
Victor sniffed “Probably burn them.” He thought to himself. “I will provide you with clothes to lounge around the house.” He turned around and closed the door behind him.
Pan used the ‘toilet’ surprised at its efficiency to clean itself with water before turning on the water stream and adjusting the knobs until it was pleasant. She took to cleaning herself with gusto, for she had never had such luxury. Even the tubs at the inns she could sometimes visit were not this nice.
She heard the door open, and through the smoked glass she could see that Victor seemed to be gathering her things from the floor and leaving behind something on the ‘toilet’. After getting herself more clean that she thought she ever had in her entire life she sighed and decided she needed to get out.
After fiddling with the knobs and nearly freezing herself before turning them the proper way she reached out and grabbed the ‘towel’ and found it did an amazing job of drying her. Afterwards she tied the cloth up in her hair, careful not to get her ears and examined the clothes he brought her.
There was an article of clothing like what he wore, the short pants, but smaller, and tighter. She assumed it was for the same purpose and put it on, then she found a soft pair of pants, like men would wear, but of much finer and softer material. Finally, there was a form fitting shirt that she found left little to the imagination, but she had little choice to but to put it on. Finally there were thick, luxurious slippers on the floor and the robe on the back of the door.
She came out of the bathroom to find him at the strange counter, cooking. “A man who cooks for a woman? I know he is a foreigner, but I have never heard of this happening.” She thought as he waved her to the large table.
“I missed breakfast this morning, your little tussle with the Ox-Kin ladies kind of put it on hold, have you eaten?” He asked.
Pan felt the hunger pains when he asked as she shook her head.
He chuckled as he continued his work, “No, I guess you didn’t get a chance to eat this morning either.
How do you like your eggs?”
Pan was confused, “Um, I prefer them cooked?”
Victor looked back before saying, “Scrambled it is then.”
After a few minutes and some toiling around the cupboards he dropped off a huge plate in front of her. “Normally I’d let the auto-cook prepare the food, but since I’m getting everything up and running at the moment it’s missing a lot of ingredients. So, I worked with what I had, scrambled eggs, bacon, grits, and toast.”
She stared down at her plate, it mostly looked familiar, but the white porridge was a bit different. He handed her strange utensils before pushing two strange bottles with seasonings in them with holes punched in the top. She watched as he used the utensils to eat, and attempted to do the same.
The spoon was easy, she had used those for soup, but the tiny pitch fork and knife were difficult. Victor noticed this and stood up, went to a cabinet and pulled out a drawer and brought back metal chop sticks.
Pan stared at them, they were perhaps brass, possibly even gold, her mouth dropped, these utensils would have been worth more than her wagon! Victor looked up from his food, “Is everything ok? Is there something wrong with the chopsticks?”
Pan hurriedly put the chopsticks to work grabbing up the slivers of pork. “No, no. This lowly peasant girl was merely in amazement at the quality of the utensils.”
Victor nodded as he watched her eyes go round with amazement after chewing on the bacon. Before she dug into the eggs and tried the grits, deciding they needed the seasonings, which she found was salt and a form of pepper, she nodded before cleaning her plate.
Victor sat back, his own plate clean, “Now that’s a healthy appetite, I wasn’t sure a girl your size could finish a plate like that.”
Pan flushed, a bit embarrassed, “It was no doubt due to your cooking expertise. But I still don’t know why you brought me here.”
Victor stood and took her plate and utensils and opened a strange metal door under the counter and placed them into a metal chamber before closing it back. “You said you were a traveling merchant, which means you go places and hear things. I’m new here and have questions. Therefore we can help each other.”
He ushered Pan to the plush couch and sat down, she took the time to pull her hair out of the towel and he took it from her and went into the ‘bathroom’ a strange name as there was no bathtub inside it and returned to sit at the opposite side of the couch.
Pan let him sit before asking, “Ok, you have questions, what do you want to know?”
Victor took a moment to gather his thoughts before speaking, “Why do you have rabbit ears? Why do people in the villages have monkey tails or goats eyes? And what the hell is up with these instinctuals that are more animal that people?” _______________ It had been hours and Pan was actually feeling mentally drained. The man before her was not a cultivator. Whatever he was, she doubted many cultivators except the Empress could hope to match him. The more he showed her, the more she was certain his powers were unlimited. She didn’t know whether to bow in awe, or run in terror.
Not from this plane of existence is how he put it. Meaning from the realm of the divinities maybe? She did not know for sure.
“So, this Eternal Empress came along a few thousand years ago, united the lands, built a wall and a government, and now uses her armies and cultivator sects to maintain law and order across her lands?” He asked.
Pan nodded, “Yes, before her we were broken into tribes that warred against one another constantly.”
Victor paced in front of her, “So she is immortal, like me. That’s good and bad, good in that she may have the knowledge to get me home. Bad, that she could see me as a threat and has tons of resources.” He suddenly stopped pacing. “I’m hungry, are you hungry?”
Pan was not going to say no to a free meal, as she literally had nothing to her name now. Not even her clothes. “I could eat master… er Victor.”
He started off to the ‘kitchen’ and opened the top to the large metal door and produced a round item wrapped in flexible glass? Or was it cloth that looked like glass? “Victor is fine, I’m going to make a Pizza, I doubt you’ve ever had one, but trust me, they’re great.”
As he worked they continued the questions, “So cultivators are broken up into sects, each one with its own goals and agendas, but all loyal to the Empress?”
Pan nodded, “Yes, and then the Iron Legions are armored mortals who keep the peace throughout the empire, although none of the towns around here are large enough to boast a garrison.”
The metal and glass hinged door was opened and the round cake like object that was placed on a pan was put into it and the door closed. “Ok, twenty minutes and we eat. So tell me, what kin is the Empress?”
Pan looked confused, “The Empress is the Empress, she has no kin.”
Victor wiped his hands on a small dish towel, “So you are rabbit-kin, I’ve met tiger-kin and boar-kin, and others, but she has no kin?”
Pan made a sudden connection, “No, she is like you. She has no kin.”
Victor dropped the dish towel on the counter, “So she’s human.” ________________ “Curse that damnable Victor Cane!” Mei swore as she and Xiang pushed the wagon to free it from the mud once more as the Ox pulling it simply lacked the strength to free it.
Xiang looked to her sect sister, “My my, Mei.” She chuckled at her own word play. “If I didn’t know better I’d say you were getting fixated on the male.”
Mei stared daggers at her companion, she knew she could feel the killing intent, but as they were both second tier, it did little. “The male was aloof, arrogant, cared nothing for face, and ignored me on the battlefield!”
Xiang grinned even more as she climbed aboard the wagon and took the reins. “Don’t think the rest of your sisters haven’t noticed the way you talk about him, you cover your interest with complaint, but it is a thin sheet.”
Mei reached down to her left hand, “He put his hand on mine in the Inn before he flew away on wings of fire. He was trying to comfort me on the loss of our sisters.”
Xiang turned her head sharply, “You didn’t put that in your report, this is the first any of us have heard of it.”
Mei sighed, “I don’t know what to think of it. Male cultivators are so rare, just seeing one outside of the the sect inner circles is a rarity. Most of us never get to even speak to a male cultivator unless we ascend to a high tier within the sect, making us worthy of being in their presence. I wanted to cherish it.”
Xiang smiled as she looked back to the ox before snapping the reins, “I would cherish it too, this is a hard life, mortal men would break in our embrace, but a cultivator male would not. He was a good looking man for a foreigner too.”
Mei shuddered, “That he is, even if a bit rugged, he is evidently a soldier after all.”
Xiangs mischievous grin was back, “I knew it, you were pining over this Victor!”
Mei’s killing intent was definitely felt by Xiang this time as she laughed uproariously at her friends discomfort.
“Fear not my OLDER sister, for in one passing of the moon we will be in the Celestial City and you can deliver your prize to the Empress. I am sure after this you will get to see your handsome soldier again. That is, if the Empress doesn’t take him as her own.” Xiang sang the last part with glee.
Mei stopped glaring, “You don’t think she would do that do you?” She asked.
Xiang laughed so hard she almost fell off the wagon.