My ex’s lawyer’s administrator called yesterday to let me know that they had paperwork that needed to be served, since things have been going amicably. I still think he was surprised I answered (partly because my ex told him I probably wouldn’t answer because we’re millennials who hate the phone and don’t answer stranger numbers, but probably partly because I was so genuinely cooperative with him), and I think I also threw him for a loop by agreeing to come in (because I genuinely didn’t understand what the options would be aside from that or ambush service).
(Why was I served? Because we have enough mutual trust that she retained a lawyer but I didn’t, mostly so we could get someone to make sure the legalese was good and wouldn’t cause problems. So since she retained, she filed, so I was served)
For something I’ve been okay with for a few months, it was very surreal. I made genuine small talk with the guy about how this feels straightforward and how divorce laws in my state are changing and have changed over the last few years (for the better). It felt almost like watching it happen.
For me, the “dumped” party, the weirdest part? It didn’t ruin my day. It genuinely just felt like getting paperwork done.
I think we’ve both done a good job of carving out our own lives in the wake of the divorce. And as much as I can be a romantic, this genuinely feels like just filing the paperwork to dissolve a contract - it helps that things are going so amicably, I’ve joked that I couldn’t imagine anyone I’d rather get divorced from (in a respectful way, of course!)
It’s not a sock yet (I hear it can take another month or two), not one I thought I wanted six months ago. But I’m doing better than surviving, and I can’t imagine telling the me from November how well I’m doing and handling all this, let alone the me in late December after the talk.
I’ve been doing okay, but I thought this would be one of the moments that made things “real” and therefore extremely hard. But it didn’t.
I know many of you out there are hurting, but be strong - you’d be surprised the strength you can find when you don’t have any other choice, whatever that means for you, even if it’s getting out of bed in the morning.

This is the best tl;dr I could make, original reduced by 68%. (I'm a bot)

Of the thirty-one documents that Trump is specifically charged with illegally possessing, thirty are described as involving military or intelligence secrets, while the one outlier, a document from October 21, 2018, is related to "Communications with a leader of a foreign country." According to the indictment, this information was so carelessly handled that, one day, Trump's body man, Walt Nauta, found secrets spilling out onto the floor of a storage room and snapped a photo of the scene.
Obstacles to his alleged scheme abounded, including one of his lawyers, who testified to the Feds that Trump encouraged him to get rid of compromising material, and even the former First Lady, Melania Trump.
One of the most prominent pieces of evidence cited in the indictment-right there on page 3-appears to have been generated by Trump's anger over a story I published on July 15, 2021, which reported the concerns of General Mark Milley, Trump's chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, that Trump would trigger a military confrontation with Iran in his final weeks in office.
"As President, I could have declassified it," Trump told a staffer, according to the transcript cited in the indictment.
So what to make of the Republican apologists for Trump-which is to say, most Republican elected officials and virtually all the Party's Presidential candidates-who expressed outrage after initial reports of the charges against the former President surfaced on Thursday evening, without even bothering to wait for the indictment itself to be released? Are they still so sure that this is an example of how the "Deep state" has been "Weaponized" against their guy? Don't they care about Donald Trump allegedly having the nation's nuclear secrets casually stowed away in a Mar-a-Lago bathroom?
Doesn't the G.O.P. care about Donald Trump allegedly having the nation's nuclear secrets casually stowed away in a Mar-a-Lago bathroom?Photograph from AP. "Egg on their faces," Sarah Matthews, a former Trump White House deputy press secretary, said of her fellow-Republicans who had taken that embarrassing course of action.

Summary Source FAQ Feedback Top keywords: Trump^#1 indictment^#2 former^#3 secret^#4 against^#5
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I hacked into my ex’s accounts and discovered that he hid $100k from me in a pension fund during our divorce. (He is trying to get alimony from me and during his post- divorce motion we had to file financial affidavits, and his looked too flush to be right.) The problem is that I found this out illegally by guessing his password, so I don’t think I can bring it up. But it’s pretty upsetting and I want to use it to quash his ridiculous request for alimony (we make the same thing but he didn’t have a job for a few months last year so he thinks a judge will award him something, he is filing this himself). I don’t have a lawyer either so I’m looking for suggestions. I understand it can cost thousands to “find” hidden money and even though I know it’s there, I would have to have a reason to open up the divorce. Any advice appreciated. Thanks.

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I just graduated high school and iam filled with dread instead of joy.both my mom and sister fight and argue constantly however when iam around them they don't fight.a little more context on both of them Mom My mom is a very short fused woman who puts a facade on when in public were she acts kind and loving but her mood can flip on a dime.she is also very bitter but I guess that's usual after the divorce.say something that targets her shell cry and play victim.acts like it's never her fault and just has that superiority mind set sister My sister My sister is a depressed teen who's mental health isn't the best (Side note we come from a native american family we're mental health isn't a thing) She cab be very sad at times but yet resorts to being quiet instead of asking for help These fights have me worried because after I leave for college I know all hell will break loose because my mom has a short fuse and very high expectations neither my siblings can reach.i know my sister means well but my mom won't listen to my concerns.she always yells when my sister crys and she has asked for help but my mom always resorts to anger and control idk what to do I never thought my hero would turn into a villain I truly need advice about this ordeal
TLDR my mom and sister fight alot and I need advice to help end those fights

(In case you didn’t see my edits to the first post, I decided to split these by type so they’re more digestable. Also, though I happened to do 1 first, I won’t necessarily do them ‘in order’.)

justification

Naranjo explained this explicitly but folded it under part of reaction formation, however I think it’s distinct enough to be discussed on its own – BHE also discussed this in a podcast episode without assigning it a name.
What happens is, the 1 has strong ideas and preferences about how things ‘should’ be and how they want their life to go in a regular, orderly manner – starting from the part of the reptile brain that is to do with regularity & sense of order, and then building on it further with their search for “the best way to do things” and the experience-based judgements of their implicit mind.
Much of the goal behind this is autonomy – Like the child that gets trusted with more decisions because they are so mature & responsible & don’t give others reason to scold them.
But what if someone comes along & tells you to do things differently anyway?
You argue that your way is right, whether that means its more efficient, more rational, more moral, more responsible etc. and so by extension theirs is wrong.
In this, the rational mind may well be employed to great effect (many 1s are doctors, engineers, philosophers etc.) but sort of in the way that philosophy was employed in the middle ages: Any paths of reasoning that could contradict “what is right” (in the case of the medieval philosophers, church doctrine) weren’t going to be pursued.
So if you have an 1 who prefers to get up early, they might espouse beliefs in the advantages of getting up early & how this is the most disciplined & virtuous way to do this, whereas if another 1 is a night owl they will embark on a mission to make workplaces more friedly to people with different circadian rythms, and neither might connect it to their own preference -
Instead they will completely frame it in impersonal terms of competency and/or superego – this way is most efficient, this way is correct, this way is what’s right. Or: That thing is objectively wrong & disgusting and anyone who doesn’t see that is a sick fuck. You’re not nitpicking, you care that it’s done right.
When others get the impression that you’re just trying to boss them & force your way on them, you don’t see where it’s coming from – it’s not about your way, you think, it’s about “what’s right”… so you figure it must be because they’re debauched or something.
Useful Question:
If you strongly feel that something is right: Is it truly the best method, or is it maybe just the way that you personally prefer it?
Note also that realizing you simply prefer it doesn’t mean you have to give up or self-flagellate for being selfish or failing to be impartial.
In some situations you might have an easier time getting your partner to agree to consider your needs & preferences if you say it personally bothers you rather than argue about the objectively correct way to load a dishwasher.
It’s ok to have wants, preferences & be subjective in some areas. Obvsly if you’re doing surgery you should totally follow the protocol as perfectly as possible, but ‘correct’ clothes or hairstyle is much harder to define.
You can prefer something even if it’s not “Objectively The Best”. It just ‘feels’ less ‘defensible’ because as a competency type you have a neutrality bias. And of course once you allow that it becomes natural to let others have different preferences.
Meanwhile, if you strongly feel something is wrong: Why is it wrong? Get that head center online. Now if you’re not used to it, this can be uncomfortable: 1s have a high need for closure and hence dislike ambiguity – they tend to want a clear answer, now. When you’re used to relying on the implicit mind whose output feels very solid, real and obvious, going into the abstractions of the mental center can feel airy & ungrounded – you might be worried that you might come up with an excuse or talk yourself into thinking some terrible thing is actually ok. But your implicit mind can mislead you as much as abstract theory might.
You might find that forbidding a lot of what’s universally agreed to be awful can easily be justified in terms of logical reasons. Look at the 6s – you can use your head center and still be morals-oriented. Be more willing to consider logical counterarguments even for things that trigger repulsion in you – just considering them without per se accepting them. Even if you still disagree, knowing how the other side thinks can help you persuade them.

reaction formation

But what if there is a desire that cannot be justified in this way, perhaps because it clashes with the 1s stated values, principles and beliefs? You can’t easily give up on the principles if those feel integral to who you are, why you do everything you do & why you should get anything at all.
So, the incongruent impulse is transformed into its opposite.
To consider why it has to be like this, it might be illustrative to tell you about a discussion I read on here once of various 8s (whose default tendency is to act on most impulses in an unmodified form) on how to overcome problems with impulsivity. Just trying to hold in the impulse through sheer will often doesn’t work because the next thing will just set them off, there is a quick connection between stimulus & response, thinking their way out of it like a head type might won’t cut it, but what does work a lot better is to point the ‘kinetic energy’ somewhere else, such as by exercising.
The gut types take in the world on a viscerally felt, kinesthetic level (Rohr, a 1 himself, referred to it as ‘full body blows’) & this leads to building up immediate reactions to it. So ‘redirecting’ the impulse, or rather forming an immediate counter-reaction to it, is more natural than just extinguishing it.
The purpose of the reaction is not only to “defend” against acting the ‘unacceptable’ impulse, but to “defend” your conscious self from the distress and incongrence of even recognizing the impulse, that is, to push it out of consciousness. Like saying some prayers to make the “dirty thoughts” go away.
If you read the experiences of 1s (or even 1 fixers) you see that the impulses already arrive in consciousness in this ‘civilized’ form: Not ‘this annoys me’ but ‘this is not good enough!’
The physically felt swell of what might otherwise be irritation comes in as frustration about how the thing was done wrong & how it could all be perfect if only the co-workers bothered to be a little more dilligent.
This is part of why experiencing an actual unmodified impulse can feel so threatening or shameful.
First they would be experienced as unwanted, ego-dystonic, incongruent with the self.
A rabit horndog is not who you are… and certainly not who you want to be.
There is not so much previous experience of thinking ‘I kinda want to do violence to this jerk’, or of having a horny thought… and then not acting on it for a variety of reasons.
So you might fear that if you loosened up you would actually be violent or sexually inappropriate. (which isn’t helped if the only time you cut loose if when you got so much pent up frustration you can’t hold it in anymore, so you overcompensate like a person going on a binge after an overly restrictive diet.)
What this may concretely look like is being extra polite to someone who lowkey irritates you (disowning the “bad”/”unresonable” feeling), or condemning something that you actually find tempting on some level –
Tom Condon described the case of a type 1 friend who liked to collect rocks. One time they came across a cool-looking amethyst geode in a shop window and the friend’s eyes lit up, but then he saw the hefty price tag and at once he started ranting about how ppl these days waste so much money on frivollous impulse buys. (his desire for the rock had conflicted with his value of being thrifty, so a reaction against it was formed.)
Condon then said something like ‘You really want that rock, huh?’
In this case the friend had the self-awareness to admit it, but with some immature 1s (or ppl with strong 1 components), they can get weirdly obsessed with the thing they’re condemning & the lives of people who are doing it. ‘Oh this fetish porn is so horrible!’ ...why do you know so much about it, mate?
(part of it is also that by confronting the “bad” and rejecting it, the sensation of your boundaries holding firm against the outside, you feel your existence, so when you are having self-doubt…
It’s the frustration thing of using “not that!” as orientation.)
This is how you get ppl complaining about people taking breaks, gender non-conformity, childfree couples, divorce, more empathetic rather than strict parenting etc. because how dare those ppl not give up the desires you renouced?
Ppl complaining about divorce have the unhappiest marriages, ppl complaining about the “selfishness” of the childfree are some of the most emotionally distant parents and so on.
Maybe you remember that horrible “marriage requires a mute button” article a while back whre that woman tried to sell you on the idea that every responsible adult must accept that marriage is constantly being irritated at your spouse. (with zero self-awareness of how she described constantly nitpicking, criticizing & failing to show empathy for the husband, & refusing to communicate her wants/needs)
When ppl responded to it saying they actually like their spouses or pointing out that divorce is a thing, she accused them of being naive because A Mature Person(TM) is supposed to make it work and accept that marriage isn’t a cakewalk, damnit.
Reading it you might wonder “why is she torturing herself?” but probably the value of “making a marriage work through realism” is very important to her.
Useful Question: Could it be that this thing bothers you because you kinda want it but think you’re not allowed to have it?
Now for the love of sanity, don’t go torturing yourself by thinking you must secretly want everything that grosses you out. This question is mostly useful to ask when you find yourself disproportionally fixating on something. Being outraged about child labor is probably just because child labor is outrageous, but if it’s a minor lifetime choice thing that won’t kill anyone, it might be worth considering.

suppression

The next ‘layer’ of defense, if incongruous desire or anger does leak out in its ‘raw’ form, is to tamp it down asap & deliberately suppress it.
You try not to be angry or desireous.
As gut types experience feelings mostly through body sensations so suppressing them also means counteracting the bodily impulse that comes with them – this is sometimes described as feeling like the rising heat of anger gets stopped at your neck & jaw, like a cork on a champagne bottle, or the relaxing sensation of pleasure is stopped by tightening & straightening the spine & pelvis.
So there can be actual physical tension held in those areas.
This also feeds into the self-judgement, because a suppressed reaction still happened and you still feel it, even if you put a stop to it.
In that sense 1s might be uniquely cursed among the competency types. You’d physically feel the anger or desire & the need to stop it. So someone might beat themselves up for even thinking of getting angry.
Another thing to note is that while this might seem at first like a relatively voluntary/ semi-conscious action, but when some 1s try to deliberately express their feelings more, they sometimes find the habit to clamp it down has become quite automatic.
- an extreme case of this might be ppl raised in very conservative towns who were told to suppress all sexual desire until marriage, but then when they’re finally married they’re too tense to have enjoyable relations.
Unhealthy 1s can get quite dour & joyless cause pleasure is suspect & suppressed.
- though healthier 1s will be able to relax & express feelings when appropiate, but still be able to restrain themselves where this is useful, like if you’re a surgeon or an emergency responder & need to keep your cool & keep doing the task. In that setting “defending” against getting irritated or otherwise emotional is arguably a good thing, at least for the duration of the important work, it allows 1s to be level-headed professionals.
Useful Question: Being patient, disciplined & restrained is often very useful, but are you counterbalancing this with some outlets? (dance, time in nature, and regular vacations seem to be some popular ones with well-adjusted type 1s)

Reparation & undoing

This is sort of a cousin of reaction formation in that it also involves “making up” for a “bad” thought/deep by doing something “good”, but the difference is that in this case, the horses have already left the barn, rather than preventing an incongruent thought or action these are about coping with the aftermath after it has already occurred.
The above constellation (particularly on the less aware/mature side) can easily produce a lot of guilt that then needs to be ‘defended’ against lest it set off the fear of condemnation.
Undoing is to take an opposite action immediately afterwards, which in the person’s mind makes it so the “bad” thought or deed never happened.
For example you thought about blowing up at someone and then acted extra nice to them because you felt bad about it, or you actually did blow up at your spouse but then buy them some flowers to “make it okay”.
In the case of reparation, the bad deed is not quite considered ‘erased’, it still ‘counts’ and there are still feelings of guilt and accountablity, but you made up for it. You’re a changed man.
This is like those people telling you about the wicked life they used to live before they came to jesus, but now they are completely different.
Sometimes making amends or focussing on doing a better job next time is, of course, a constructive way to deal with mistakes. (and 1s for their part also forgive more easily if they see someone’s willing to make amends, have consequences, show they learned something etc.)
There are two ways this can become problematic in less aware individuals, however.
First, when it becomes a compulsion to constantly make up for perceived ‘guilt’.
Cracked and ate a chocolate muffin? Now you must do 20 extra minutes of exercise!
There was an interesting anecdote on a podcast about an 1 woman who got involved with a more ‘wild’ guy, and then immediately chopped off her hair to something more austere looking, like she’d strayed too much to the wild side & needed to correct it.
The guy took it as mixed signals.
The Second is when the person considers their deed ‘made up for’, but others don’t. The wife doesn’t forgive you despite the flowers, because you can’t really erase what happened or the concerns she has with you.
Or the preacher guy who ‘came to Jesus’ expects to be forgiven by everyone now because he “repented and made amends”, “overcome his struggle with temptation” & that was “his old life”.
Another way this may look is someone considering that their spouse & kids shouldn’t bring up past grievances anymore because they apologized and promised to change.
others might well find it hypocritical when someone who has clearly messed up at some point in his life starts talking to you about the Best Way To Do Things and how you should be following their sage advice. They won’t just act as if the past actions never happened.
There is, of course, a strong incentive to believe in an espouse the redemption narative when it feels like the only other alternative is that you are an Irredeemable Bad Person(TM) forever. Trying harder to strive for the perfect world that ought to have been is one’s saving grace – if that doesn’t count, then what does?
So as understandable it is that others might call bull/hypocrisy, there is also a lot of pain behind this which, alas, often only causes the counterproductive patterns to become more rigid.
Someone’s response being “try harder!” (for all that it can be the 1s greatest strength in other contexts) can also make it harder to recognize situations where it would be better to walk away or stop trying to do the impossible.
Useful Question:
On the one hand: Will anything good come out of continuing to be harsh on yourself? Maybe you can forgive and/or accept yourself without feeling like you need to constantly work on “redemption” or “betterment” – especially if the cause of your feeling guilty is just being an imperfect fallible human.
On the other hand, especially if your actions impacted another: Does your idea of what would constitute restituition align with the wronged party?

I hacked into my ex’s accounts and discovered that he hid $100k from me in a pension fund during our divorce. (He is trying to get alimony from me and during his post- divorce motion we had to file financial affidavits, and his looked too flush to be right.) The problem is that I found this out illegally by guessing his password, so I don’t think I can bring it up. But it’s pretty upsetting and I want to use it to quash his ridiculous request for alimony (we make the same thing but he didn’t have a job for a few months last year so he thinks a judge will award him something, he is filing this himself). I don’t have a lawyer either so I’m looking for suggestions. I understand it can cost thousands to “find” hidden money and even though I know it’s there, I would have to have a reason to open up the divorce. Any advice appreciated. Thanks.

I stayed with my abuser for 10 years, I caught him cheating five different years. It took my best friend getting murdered by her husband to make me promise to leave if he did it again. We separated, we divorced. I’m in my first relationship after my ex, but I keep getting over emotional and fearful all of the time. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, had all kinds of medications and consistent therapy. I’m scared I’m going to lose the healthy relationship I’ve found by me being so unhealthy. I’m so scared.
I don’t have enough down time to deescalate myself from tears when from sunrise to sleep, I’m raising two kids, one with a severe disability, go to work where I work with kids with disabilities, and my ex fled the state and gave me full custody. Sorry for the ramble.

I didn’t qualify for LAE nor ALS. Then I got waitlisted w/no conditions for JDAT last week and apparently results are out now but I still have no status so I’m still waitlisted… I’m losing hope I’ll get a slot (especially a chance for scholarship :<)
I really wanted to go to law school this year and I know I can go to other schools still but those were the only ones I believe that can hone me to be the best me/lawyer I can be.
While waiting for results, I honestly applied for jobs. The goal was to just practice my interview skills but it was nice because I passed in one and am currently working now. The work culture and environment is very healthy and the pay is well enough for a fresh grad/an entry level.
I felt so thankful for the job yet I still feel so disappointed in myself because I didn’t pass in any of the schools I wanted. It’s so hard for me to celebrate this as a win because I literally gave my everything to prepare and study for those exams yet I didn’t pass… and in the job hunting time, I didn’t even take it 100% seriously because it was just to pass time when waiting for results yet I got one…
What does that say about me? Does it mean I’m not meant to go to law school? I feel so incompetent and dumb. I feel like I have no face to show to my family and friends because they know I worked hard for it yet I didn’t pass.
I understand that trying is enough and this can still be a learning experience for me but grabe ang sakit. Ang sakit mangarap tapos hindi pala yun para sayo ngayon…..hindi ko na alam gagawin ko, ang sarap na lang magpakain sa lupa hahahaha

My wife of 7 years finally officially asked for a divorce. We haven't been happy together at all for almost 2 years now and almost everyday there's a fight of some kind. My heart is broken over the thought of how my 2 year old kid is going to grow up with a broken family. I'm drown in this feeling of self-loathing for I feel like I failed to give him the kind of happy and whole family that I was fortunate enough to grow up in. The thought of him being in pain seeing other kids at school with happy parents nearly made me cry but I know deep down it is much better this way than subjecting him through a life of bitter, loveless, and toxic parents who only fight and fight or worse. I know many men have gone through what I'm going through and I'm going to be okay somehow in the end. I do not intend to contest custody or request for anything from my wife so probably no need for a lawyer. We're in no financial position to afford one anyway. I also want this tragic event to go as smoothly and as amicably as possible. All I wish for right now is for my son to grow up as healthy and happy as he can, all things considered. My life is an absolute FUBAR mess. I don't know how I'm going to deal with not having him around all the time again. How did yall do it?
​

I didn’t qualify for LAE nor ALS. Then I got waitlisted w/no conditions for JDAT last week and apparently results are out now but I still have no status so I’m still waitlisted… I’m losing hope I’ll get a slot (especially a chance for scholarship :<)
I really wanted to go to law school this year and I know I can go to other schools still but those were the only ones I believe that can hone me to be the best me/lawyer I can be.
While waiting for results, I honestly applied for jobs. The goal was to just practice my interview skills but it was nice because I passed in one and am currently working now. The work culture and environment is very healthy and the pay is well enough for a fresh grad/an entry level.
I felt so thankful for the job yet I still feel so disappointed in myself because I didn’t pass in any of the schools I wanted. It’s so hard for me to celebrate this as a win because I literally gave my everything to prepare and study for those exams yet I didn’t pass… and in the job hunting time, I didn’t even take it 100% seriously because it was just to pass time when waiting for results yet I got one…
What does that say about me? Does it mean I’m not meant to go to law school? I feel so incompetent and dumb.
I understand that trying is enough and this can still be a learning experience for me but grabe ang sakit. Ang sakit mangarap tapos hindi pala yun para sayo ngayon…..

Hello all, TIA for any and all advice. My ex husband and I have been separated for 9 years and divorced for 3. We share a 9 year old son who has always lived with me. I moved out of state, with his written permission, when I was 6 months pregnant 1800 miles away. Ex then moved to our city and hen our son was 13 months old. He’s never had regular visitation with him. When we finally divorced 3 years ago we used a basic visitation template, but both knew that was never going to be followed. The decree has the every other weekend and every Wednesday visitation for the father. He sees our son on Sunday afternoon/evenings when he goes over to his mother’s home for dinner (I bring our son over to my MIL’s every Saturday for him to spend the night with her), and then drives our son home after dinner….so maybe 4pm- 6:30pm on Sundays. He hasn’t kept him overnight in 2 years this July. He’s picked him up from school maybe 5 times this entire past school year for soccer or baseball practice (I do the rest of the pick up and transportation to everything). Now on to the issue(s). My boyfriend lives 1500 miles away in another state. I visit him as often as I can (with my mom keeping my son while I’m gone) and would really love to bring my son with me this summer for a week. My ex is adamant that this not happen. I’ve tried to get his cooperation for a visit before and he just refuses. He sort of threatens that things will “get ugly” if I take him to my boyfriend’s home. His reasons are ridiculous, “I don’t know who you spend time with”, which I know isn’t his call. I’ve not called his bluff before because I truly don’t want to have a bad relationship with the man. But this is getting ridiculous. My boyfriend has a daughter the same age as my son and the 2 of them facetime and have the cutest friendship and they both really want to meet as well. So I’m at the point where I’m just going to tell my ex that I’m taking our son on vacation in August and when he asks where, I’ll tell him and he’ll of course say no, and I’ll tell him I’m not asking his permission, I’m simply being courteous and letting him know the itinerary. My question is this - what if my ex says he wants him back by Wednesday since those are technically his days as per the visitation (that he’s never adhered to)?? We’ll only be gone for a week, and I’ll make sure my son goes to my MIL’s the weekend before and sees his dad so he can’t say the next weekend is “his” (even though he’s never taken custody of him for any weekend, much less every other). What kind of trouble can he cause? Would a lawyer laugh in his face if he called them complaining his ex took his son out of state on vacation for a week? That’s sort of what I assume would happen, but want others to weigh in. Ultimately I want to move to MD (where boyfriend lives) to remarry and move on with my life, but I know my ex will fight it tooth and nail. He pays child support, but he sees our son maybe 3-4 hours a week and never overnight. The child has always lived with me. But right now, I just want to be able to take my son on vacation for a week without worrying what my ex can do to punish and torment me. Thank you all so much!! We are in Texas, btw.

My wife and I have been married for almost a decade and have two awesome daughters. On the outside and to our families, I'm sure we look great, but our relationship is very unhealthy. I believe my marriage is salvageable -- I still believe my wife is the best woman I've ever met and can say honestly that I haven't ever wished I was married to someone else, or even wondered what it would be like. I just don't know where to start with myself -- the patterns of our marriage feel so locked in place that I wonder if they will change.
The point of this post is to hopefully get get some advice about where to get started. We have strongly considered divorce but it has never felt like it was the route we wanted to take. We've tried marriage counseling but between our schedules its been very difficult to make it work. We are trying a marriage course but can't not fight for long enough to even sit down for an hour to do it.
Me: I'm fucked up in ways that I'm unsure of how to describe. I have always been an anxious person and can toggle between good moods for several hours and then snap into depression/frustration that lasts several days. I'm currently medicated for the depression which has helped but I know there are still times that something can send me into a tailspin. My wife has said before that she feels like she's walking on eggshells and doesn't know if I'm going to be happy or sad.
To be truthful, I am the instigator in ~75% of our disputes. I have come to learn that I have a very rigid/organized/black-and-white way of seeing the world and have a very difficult time tolerating the grey. It has helped me to reach many goals but it makes for misery in a relationship. For example, my wife owns a business. Instead of maintaining her financial records as she goes, she would rather wait until the February/March/April of the year after to spend a few late nights catching up on them so that I can finally file the taxes. The way I interpret it is that she is procrastinating, which is not how I like to live my life and it drives me crazy.
My way of communication is flawed. I don't think I yell very often, but I am stern and direct when I feel like I mean to be. Having little kids is helping me learn to have a kinder, less assuming approach, but I still struggle. I get this feeling that if I am too gentle she won't take me seriously. To be completely honest, I don't think she has changed much of anything that I've tried to communicate about, and I'm not sure if it's me being bad at communicating or her being stubborn. But the fact that she doesn't reciprocate leads me to feel more and more frustrated, and I find myself instigating just because I'm hoping for some sort of response.
I have a very hard time dealing with these altercations and feel like we have to resolve each of them through talking instead of just letting it go and moving on. The Mrs. seems to be able to move on if we have a fun/happy experience or share some laughs, and I don't feel settled until it's talked about. Maybe I'm just a grudge holder? I honestly don't know.
I'm currently in a place in my career that is very demanding and can be stressful due to the uncertainty. My income is not much right now but in the future, I will likely be a much better financial provider, depending upon how the next year of my career goes. I think this both gets to us.
I have a pornography addiction that I have kept in secret for many years. That may not be a problem in some of your viewpoints, but it's not something I view as right. I know that its primarily coping mechanism for feelings of anxiousness. I was open and honest about this when we got married and went back into hiding after relapsing during her first pregnancy after seeing how much it hurt her. She told me if she ever found out I was lying she would leave and like a coward, I've obliged to just keep it a secret. No one knows about this and it is the one area of my life that I feel out of control with. I know it plays into the highs and lows I go through but I honestly am not sure how it effects other elements of our relationship. I want to stop because I believe it hurts my self-confidence/sense of self and also damages how I see my relationship, but have found myself unable to. It may be that I just have to be honest, knowing that it will end my marriage but also allow me to start working on it.
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My wife: Also very driven, hard-working achiever. I loved that about her and is one of the reasons why I decided to marry her. The only problem I have with that aspect is that she fails to communicate about what she's doing and frequently makes significant career moves that end up impacting my life without first consulting me. It's like she gets so excited about things she forgets that it will effect me/our kids too.
Since the beginning of our relationship, I have noticed that while she is very forthgoing/abrupt in some conversations, she shrivels in others. Her mom was very emotionally abusive growing up and on top of being adopted, she has some deep scars. In some ways, I feel like she married me because she saw some of her mom in me and subconsciously believes that if she can have a happy relationship with me, it will fill that hole in her heart. I agree that I am like her mom in some ways but knowing the trauma there, I hate the comparison because I have tried very hard to be sensitive towards her wounds.
During/since her first pregnancy, she has had a hard time with intimacy. She says it feels different and that she struggles to engage because she feels uncomfortable with how her body has changed. I've tried to be understanding and walk with her through it but I've failed on many occasions. She has said she recognizes the issues and will be better but nothing has changed over the course of to many discussions to count. Anytime I bring it up now, it becomes contentious. We're far from a dead bedroom but I just wish we could talk about things and feel like she's an active partner in the discussions/effort to make this a good part of our marriage.
As you're probably noticing, I think her communication is an issue. I don't know why she won't follow up on things I've asked of her. It's not like it's one sided either -- while she grows silent when i hit a wound, she has her fair share of fire and is not afraid to demand things of me as well. But when she asks things of me, I try to follow up with her and ask for feedback if I did it how she wants it (eg, "hey, you wanted me to be better about folding the laundry. I've been trying but want to make sure it's done the way you want (she's very particular)". She doesn't do this and I'm not sure if it's because she doesn't value it or she doesn't feel like I deserve it. Pretty lost there.
She has several friends who have stay-at-home husbands and I know she compares our situation to theirs. I love my kids and love nurturing maybe more than the average dad, but my career means a lot to me and I can't ever imagine that being my reality. I feel she resents me for my aspirations and has this idea that I could just decide to not work and be happy doing it.
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That's all for now. If you have some insight, I'd love to hear it. If there is some fictional reality I'm living in, please point it out -- I'm to the point I just want to have a reality check because maybe there will be some promise of how to move forwards.

Delete if not allowed. But I'm looking for any legitimate lawyers and/or attorneys, not for myself but someone I'm trying to get information for to help, who would be willing to private chat. I'm looking to help a friend who is currently in a divorce and I just had a few questions about some things.

I don't know if its ok to share my whole story but as summarized as I can, my mos had me behind a computer screen. I thought it was a nice cushy job, but my unit was a disaster. We had no leadership or command structure my first 6 months. Then when we finally got sent to our shops. The next year, after 2 unrelated murders and a bunch of people popped hot for drugs, our Brigade Command team disappeared without a word. There was no command structure after that, not even a squad leader. I got severely burned doing a stupid detail and ended up with nerve damage in my hands. We would have these rare and erratic "PT Weeks" where there was no PT plan and it was just run until you puke, after 3 10 mile runs and a surprise PT test, I tore my hip flexor and ended up on cruches and a cane for a while.
I love the people I worked with in my shop, most of them were civilians, but the work we did took a heavy toll on me. It was right at the start of ISIS and you can only watch so many executions and death camps until you completely crack. I couldn't exercise, I had no one to talk to, and I just started to isolate more and more. I had to figure out how to ETS on my own, and the only guidance I got when I tried to mention any of this was "no one cares about your problems, the VA wont help you."
After I seperated it was like this roller coaster started and I cant get off. I tried to work after the military, but I am constantly sore, I can barely eat. I have constant nightmares and anxiety attacks that get so bad I stay awake for months on end until im a complete wreck. Its hard to hold down any jobs. If I see certain things I break down in tears and panic attacks before I even realize. People just keep getting upset at me and I feel like no matter how hard I try to make it or fake it, I keep shooting myself in the foot. I got long covid a year ago and ended up in the VA hospital because I couldn't afford anywhere.
Ended up meeting some nice mental health folks and they eventually pointed me to this reddit to ask for some guidance about a disability claim.
Theres so much information im trying to sort through. I guess, whats the best place to start?